True Detective Stories

So, I’m driving home Saturday night, and because I’m paranoid, I take multiple routes home depending on the day, the weather, or my mood. The route envelopes are hermetically sealed by Francisco, my Philippine manservant/valet, so every night is an adventure.

I was a few miles from home when I came to a red light near a local park. I was too busy watching YouTube on my phone and filing my nails, so I didn’t see the two cars together on the other side of the road. “Hmm, that’s odd,” I thought, but everyone in this town is odd, so it’s another day ending in “y.”

One car was in the opposite lane and the other was on the shoulder. The light changed, and I started on my way. Then it happened.

“POP POP POP POP POP POP!”

My first thought was, “Holy shit, that’s gunfire.” I looked in the rear view mirror and the car on the shoulder sped away, while the car in the lane was just sitting there. I was still driving, mostly because I didn’t have my vest and I wasn’t sure what happened. I was sure it was gunfire, but I figured, “Screw it, the district will come out.”

A moment or so later, my conscience got to me. The district was likely in the middle of a shift change, and I could hear my mother’s voice saying, “You’re it. Turn around and go see if there’s a victim.” I muttered, “F**k,” and turned the car around.

It took me a minute to arrive at the scene, and it was a ghost town. I circled the area, checked to see if there was blood on the street or any sign of spent casings. Nothing. What the actual hell? It was definitely gunfire, but maybe – unlike the shooters in my division – these clowns had terrible aim.

I checked the logs for that district on Sunday, and there were no reports of gunshot victims. That doesn’t necessarily mean anything, since many shooting victims go outside the city for treatment, but the entire scenario was very odd.

Don’t. Mess. With. Her. Fries.

A Georgia woman was arrested after seriously complaining about her McDonald’s fries.

A Garden City McDonald’s owner said [Lillian Shantel Tarver] left with her food order then came back saying her fries were cold.

The woman had a gun in her hand while she complained about the food and demanded a refund. The owner told WJCL that he opened the cash drawer and told the woman she could take whatever she wanted. The station said the woman fired a single shot at the ground before leaving the restaurant.

While I’m not a fan of McDonald’s, their fries rare amazeballs. I wouldn’t be happy if they were packed in the bag cold, but I also wouldn’t come back with a gun. Cold waffle fries from Chick-Fil-A? Maybe.

Attempted Vehicle Attack At U.S. Capitol

Between this nonsense yesterday and the repeated attempts to breach the White House grounds, I think it’s safe to say far too many Americans have gone clinically insane.

At 9:22 a.m. (Wednesday), Capitol police officers observed an “erratic and aggressive driver” in the vicinity of 100 Independence Ave, according to Eva Malecki, communications director for the United States Capitol Police.

As the officers tried to stop the vehicle, the driver pulled a U-turn and fled the scene, apparently striking another vehicle and nearly hitting officers. A brief pursuit ensued until the female suspect was stopped at Washington Ave.

Capitol Police fired shots in an attempt to stop the driver. No one was hit, police said. The female suspect – Taleah Everett, 20, who was held on seven counts of assault of a police officer and two counts of destruction of property, among other charges – was apprehended at 3rd and Independence Ave.

The incident appears to be criminal in nature with no nexus to terrorism, Malecki added.

The incident began at 9:22am, and in the ABC News story – posted at 10:30am – they claim this is not an act of terrorism. Maybe, maybe not, but how can a thorough investigation determine that in an hour? The answer is, they can’t.

Philadelphia Police Officer Fired Upon

Frankford Shooting

A Philadelphia Police narcotics officer was fired upon while conducting an investigation in the city’s Frankford section. The officer was not hurt.

One bullet struck the front bumper of the vehicle shortly after 7 p.m. in the 5300 block of Hedge Street, said Chief Inspector Scott Small. The bullet pierced the front grill and hit the radiator.

The officer was driving alone on Hedge Street when he saw three or four males with a gun, “and they fired shots right at the police car,” Small said.

The officer, who did not return fire, got out of his vehicle and chased the males, apprehending one, Small said. A second was caught in the neighborhood.

Ho hum, nothing to see here. Just another thug shooting at a police officer. It bears noting five shell casings were recovered by the officer’s vehicle, which says this was not a random warning shot. The toad wanted to hit his target.