You’re Gonna Love My Nuts!

Scientists are now claiming eating nuts can help your nuts. No, the scientists aren’t nuts.

Recent research has shown adding a mix of certain nuts in your diet, including almonds, can boost sperm quality and support male fertility.

The study, funded by the International Nut and Dried Fruit Council, revealed that almonds, along with other tree nuts, are the best types of nuts to help support male fertility. The researchers found eating 60 grams or two portions of nuts daily, including almonds, “significantly improves” total sperm count and the vitality, motility and morphology of the sperm.

Sperm motility refers to the sperm cells’ ability to swim; sperm morphology refers to the size and shape of sperm. The study, based on a 15g portion of almonds, a 15g portion of hazelnuts and a 30g portion of walnuts mixed together, showed similar sperm quality results as previous walnuts-only research, but with a 16 per cent increase in sperm count.

I’m a big fan of pistachios and cashews, which probably explains why I have four kids.

The Desolation Of Smog

A group of Chinese scientists have spent months knee-deep in sperm. The researchers believe they have found a link between air pollution and lazy, misshapen man yogurt.

A team of scientists, led by researchers from the Chinese University of Hong Kong, studied the sperm of nearly 6,500 men and found a “strong association” between high levels of fine particulate air pollution and “abnormal sperm shape.”

For the record, my sperm is perfectly shaped; like a million miniscule Venus de Milos.

The report, published in the journal Occupational & Environmental Medicine, said that although the effect is “relatively small in clinical terms” it might still lead to infertility for a “significant number of couples” given the extent of air pollution in cities around the world.

Hey, don’t look at me; I’ve got four kids… and possibly others, thanks to the kindness of women who wanted my “Johnny Appleseed.”

Sperm counts among men have more than halved in the last 40 years although scientists are unsure of the cause.

Let me take a stab at it; the wussified, snowflaky, pajama boy, beta males – which infect not only America, but the world – is responsible for the death of the salty swimmers. Am I close?

Daft Spunk

The Centers for Disease Control have released a study which claims HIV-infected men can now safely impregnante women without infecting the child.

Before those affected can go all Johnny Appleseed on interested broads, they first have to clean the pipes.

For many years, the CDC said it was too risky for HIV-infected men to have unprotected sex with uninfected women since that is one way the virus spreads.

On Thursday, the agency published a new set of guidelines saying the risk of infecting of the baby is negligible if the man undergoes a process called ‘sperm-washing’, which can eliminate the virus from seminal fluid.

What a coincidence; I have been dumping my seed into our family’s washing machine for years! Hey, don’t knock it; our clothes have never been softer.

Red Solo Cup

Ari Nagel

Meet Ari Nagel. Ari is a CUNY Kingsborough math professor who plays with his pointer both in the classroom and the bathroom.

On a busy night last week at the Target on Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn, Ari Nagel, 40, emerged from the men’s bathroom looking a little flushed and quite pleased with himself.

“It’s better when it’s fresh,” he told them. “It” is Nagel’s semen, and it’s in demand. The 6-foot-2 math professor has served as a sperm donor for dozens of locals, siring 22 kids over the past 12 years with 18 women of various backgrounds.

About half the time, he provides his seed the old-fashioned way. Other times, he supplies his goods in a cup, which he prefers.

He often uses public bathrooms, like those at Target and at Starbucks shops, to procure his samples and hand them off to ovulating women.

So quality control is just tip top. Good to know. Well, if nothing else, Target’s embrace of all-gender bathrooms resulted in at least one business opportunity popping up.