Livin’ In A Van Down By The River

A woman turned her van into a submarine this week after an insect fell into her lap. No word on whether the woman’s lawyer will sue the offending arachnid.

The woman told a state trooper she was trying to back her Kia van down the Neel’s Landing Boat Launch to put her kayak in the river when a spider jumped in her lap. Naturally, she jumped out of the van. The van then rolled into the river, the Georgia State Patrol said.

The agency sent a trooper to the boat launch in the western part of Bartow County near Kingston. By the time the trooper arrived, the van had long slipped out of sight.

“She stated that it floated downstream a few feet,” a GSP spokesman said. “And within seconds, it was totally submerged. A passerby in a boat attempted to locate the van, but without success.”

The good news is the woman finally got her seat cushions washed. The bad news is the shag carpet will never be the same.

Web Of Cries

Ned Flanders Screaming

Remember all those stories about the Australian Outback, the giant Foster’s beer cans, and how crazy tough Aussie men are? Yeah, apparently that’s all bullsh*t.

“Where’s your wife?” an officer asked. “I don’t have one,” the man replied. “Where’s your girlfriend?” he pressed. “I don’t have one,” he said.

Police told the man neighbours had heard screams, the threats to kill, the dull thud of flung furniture. “Come on mate, what have you done to her?” the officer asked.

“It was a spider,” the man replied sheepishly. “A really big one.” “What about the woman screaming?” “Yeah sorry, that was me,” he said. “I really hate spiders.”

Now, I have no right destroying this guy because I also really hate spiders. But even though I demand Mrs. Earp kill them, I’ll have you know I never, ever screamed! My screams are reserved for bees and ladybugs. *flexes muscles*