Uber Beats

Meet Michele Stillwell, a nurse – unbelievably – who spends her free time attracting patients for her to work on. In this case, she decided to choke an Uber driver for what appears to be no apparent reason.

A female passenger who choked and took a chomp out of the neck of an Uber driver today pleaded guilty to a pair of criminal charges in connection with the bloody, unprovoked attack.

Michele Stilwell copped to battery and disorderly conduct, misdemeanors for which she was sentenced to 18 months probation. Stilwell, a licensed practical nurse, was also fined $850, directed to undergo a mental health evaluation, and ordered to have no contact with Michael Hassey, the 23-year-old victim.

As reported in criminal complaints, Stilwell attacked Hassey from behind as he drove his Toyota near Stilwell’s St. Petersburg residence in mid-April.

Hard to believe someone from Florida would do such a thing…

While the car was moving, Stilwell “reached forward and proceeded to choke the victim from behind,” according to a sheriff’s deputy. As seen above, Stilwell initially choked Hassey with two hands before wrapping an arm around his throat.

As Hassey sought to pull over the car, Stilwell “managed to crawl forward onto the center console…and bite the victim deeply on the neck drawing blood.” She then scratched Hassey across the chest, “causing a large red in color mark with traces of blood visible.”

If there was any justice, Stilwell would walk across the street and get struck by an Uber driver.

Was It Finger Licking Good?

Meet Vanessa Lee Jones of St. Parkersburg, Florida. (Vanessa is the woman, not the sailor.) Vanessa sure loves her chicken; so much so that she spent the bulk of her day with breasts and thighs.

A woman in the United States who was arrested for public masturbation just a few weeks ago has been arrested again for the same offence.

Vanessa Lee Jones was completely naked when she was seen thoroughly enjoying herself by passers-by outside a chicken shop in St Petersburg, Florida.

See, that’s why you get the chicken wings and not the chicken strips. It’s rather difficult to diddle yourself without the bones. Or so I’m told.

According to the St Petersburg police arrest paperwork, Jones, 38, showed no sign of being drunk or under the influence of drugs, and there was no evidence of mental health issues. Nevertheless, she was observed outside Popeye’s Fried Chicken at 10am entirely naked and touching herself.

Arresting officers “also witnessed the defendant masturbating in front of the dumpster completely naked…”

Officers also claimed Vanessa was rubbing herself so hard she literally started a dumpster fire.

Gender Reveal Party Goes Off The Hook

Meet Marshall Richardson of St. Petersburg, Flori-Duh. Richardson was just chillin’ in his homie’s crib during a party when he became upset when his peeps started smoking in front of the kids.

Homie don’t play that.

Cops say that Marshall Richardson, 27, was a guest at a family party Sunday afternoon at a St. Petersburg residence that was hosted by Richardson’s brother and his girlfriend, who is six months pregnant.

During the party, cops say, an argument began after Richardson “told subjects to stop smoking around the kids.” After the pregnant woman became upset and called Richardson names, Richardson got into a fight with his brother.

When the siblings were separated, the pregnant woman again called Richardson names, prompting him to allegedly punch her in the face.

Did she not understand homie don’t play that? The good news is everyone stopped smoking after Marshall dropped this chick like third grade French.

Terror Attack Reported In St. Petersburg

Two terrorists attacked a subway train and a metro station in St. Petersburg, Russia. At the time of this post, at least ten people are dead, and scores have been injured; including three children.

Two suspected terrorists are on the run after a nail bomb planted in a St Petersburg train ripped through the carriages.

Russian media outlets have released the CCTV picture of the bearded suspect who was wearing a long, black top and a hat blamed for detonating a bomb that was packed with shrapnel.

When will this Amish reign of terror end?

The terrifying incident took place on a train that was travelling between Sennaya Ploshchad and Sadovaya metro stations. A second explosive device disguised as a fire extinguisher was found and defused in a nearby station.

A search warrant has now been issued for two people in connection with the attack – one for planting the bomb which detonated at Sennaya Ploshchad and the other for leaving an explosive device at Ploshchad Revolutsii station.

While this is yet another despicable attack perpetrated by the Religion of Peace, it occurred inside Vladimir Putin’s domain. Putin does not suffer terrorists, so expect swift and brutal retribution in the days to come.