Five Guys Is Down To Three Now

Meet Anthony Towles of Tyrone, PA.

Anthony was working at a Five Guys restaurant when a coworker claimed Anthony wasn’t working hard enough. Anthony did not appreciate this constructive criticism, and decided to do something about it.

Anthony Towles, 51, of Tyrone, is facing felony charges after police were called to Five Guys in Altoona and found the victim with a stab wound to their neck, mere inches from a carotid artery.

It’s literally a miracle no one has done this to Diego.

Police report that both the victim and Towles stated that they got into an argument over the victim telling him he wasn’t working hard enough. The two employees then made their way into the back parking lot behind the shopping center. The victim told police that at this point, Towles said “I’m going to kill you.”

Towles then related that he took a pen from his sock and swung it at the victim. Police noted that the victim had an inch long, rather deep cut to the left side of his head behind his ear, mere inches from a major artery.

See, I don’t get this. You’re in a restaurant with knives, a scalding hot stove, and enough cholesterol to kill ten men, but you attack the guy with a sock pen? Come on, Anthony, be better.

True Detective Stories

Allow me to beguile you with a tale. It’s a sordid story emanating from the big city, where one man was stabbed and another man was interrogated.

While both men are the focus of the investigation, another man is the subject of this story. In this case, that person is a slow, dim-witted man the big city thought was worthy enough to wear a badge. Let’s call him Barney.

Barney is a member of the new breed of super cops; the kind of officers who take two hour lunches, pull over vehicles for sliding through a stop sign, and whine when they don’t get their way. In other words, the kind of cops everyone hates. But I digress.

Shortly after I walked into the division, I received a call from a sergeant claiming they had a stabbing victim outside a residence. The victim was stabbed multiple times in the torso and the arm, and collapsed on the sidewalk while fleeing his attacker. He was transported to the hospital and his last condition was critical.

The only other man in the residence was detained for questioning, and since he had several prior arrests, he knew the game. The suspect spent the entire time either lying or refusing to answer. Par for the course in the big city.

The suspect – who we believe was the attacker – was brought in by Barney, uncuffed, and virtually unguarded. The current policy is no one is brought upstairs because of Covid, but Barney is special, and brought him right up. The sergeant, to his credit, immediately told him to take the suspect downstairs… and that’s when Barney showed his true colors. “I’m day work. I’m supposed to be leaving soon.”

The sergeant was having none of it. “I understand that, but right now you need to take that person downstairs.”

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

Redheads, Am I Right?

Meet Elizabeth Grace Johnson of Louisiana. This beautiful woman loves her boyfriend, so much so that she decided to help him lose weight, by “allegedly” stabbing him multiple times. Yikes!

An 18-year-old Southeastern Louisiana University student is reportedly accused of stabbing her date in her dorm room, an alleged attack so vicious, the victim’s “blood, and then some” had to be put back in his body, his mom said.

Elizabeth Grace Johnson was busted by university cops in Hammond after they responded Saturday night to a call about a disturbance on the third floor of Louisiana Hall.

I mean, what kind of person skips slapping, scratching, etc., and goes right to the knife?

The officers discovered her date — Louisiana State University student Draven Upchurch — with multiple stab wounds, citing a report from Police Chief Michael Beckner.

Johnson and Upchurch, who were described as “dating partners,” were both taken to North Oaks Medical before the woman was taken into custody and charged with aggravated battery.

Hopefully, Louisiana’s version of “aggravated battery” is synonymous with “attempted murder.” And yeah, I’d definitely hit that… as long as she was handcuffed and nowhere near the kitchen.

There’s Something Afoot At The Circle K

A teenager was arrested after she was involved in an argument at the Circle K, left the scene, then came back to settle the score. You know, when I watched Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, I never saw anyone getting stabbed.

A 19-year-old woman is in custody after allegedly stabbing a clerk with a knife at a Circle K in Phoenix.

Police say Jasmine Vega had been asked to leave earlier and she returned and attacked the clerk. The victim, 27, was transported to the hospital with serious but non-life-threatening injuries.

The stabbing happened around 9:30 p.m. on Friday at a Circle K located at the corner of Indian School Road and 16th Street.

Now after vacationing there twice, I truly love Arizona. That said, the quantifier is never live near Phoenix. It’s arguably the only part of Arizona which resembles most big, crime-ridden cities.

Did France Finally Wake Up?

Police in the city of Villejuif shot and killed a man who was stabbing pedestrians inside a park near Paris. Guess if you can determine his religious affiliation.

French police shot dead a man on Friday after he went on a rampage with a knife in a park, killing one person and wounding two more, prosecutors said.

Religious documents including a copy of the Koran were found among the man’s belongings, but there was no evidence the man had been influenced by radical Islamists, a spokesman for prosecutors said.

No evidence? Wait, what?!! Okay, I guess France is still more concerned with political correctness than their non-terrorist citizens.

The attacker had a history of mental illness, had been admitted to hospital, and was undergoing a course of psychiatric treatment, the spokesman said.

Maybe the mental illness came about from his radical Islamist indoctrination?

Why So Serious?

A British teenager received a paltry eleven-year prison sentence after applying clown makeup, placing a pillow over her lover, and stabbing him repeatedly with a knife.

Carlisle Crown Court heard Zoe Adams, 19, put a pillow over Kieran Bewick’s head ‘to make sex kinkier’ only to stab him with a 10-inch blade.

She admitted stabbing Mr Bewick and causing him grievous bodily harm but told a trial of issue she had no memory of the stabbing and claimed it was an ‘overreaction’ after the teenager ‘started kissing her against her will’.

Judge James Adkin branded her ‘cruel and sadistic’ while the court heard disturbing images were found on her iPhone including a blood-covered woman with the caption: ‘Murder is like a bag of chips: you can’t stop after just one.’

Gentlemen, I’ve said it dozens of times but it bears repeating: never stick your dick in crazy.

That’s Not A Slash, This Is A Slash

Yesterday Jenn asked why I was hating on Canada – her home and native land – this week, and while I did post two stories about Canadian dullards, it was not meant to be insulting to her or her countrymen.

That said, I felt badly about it, so when I saw this awesome story about Canada, I had to get it out there.

Toronto Police say the frightening encounter unfolded on Harewood Ave., just before noon.

“The victim arrived home to find a man inside his home,” Const. Jenifferjit Sidhu said Tuesday, adding the homeowner was stabbed, “possibly with a screwdriver,” during the confrontation.

A contractor working at a neighbouring house heard the commotion and did what he could to help.

“There was blood spurting out the back of his leg and his dog was chasing the fella,” Craig Hussey said, recalling the ordeal. He said the victim told him the intruder’s face was probably bloodied “because he hit him with a hockey stick.”

That’s. Friggin’. Awesome. Canada’s national sport is lacrosse, and its most popular sport is hockey. There are plenty of sticks out and about, so commit crimes with extreme caution.

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut…

A Reading, Pennsylvania woman was arrested after she and her roommate got into an argument over candy.

Mental note: Don’t let this woman within fifty miles of Hersheypark.

Authorities say a Pennsylvania woman stabbed her roommate during a dispute over candy.

According to a police affidavit, the victim claims 54-year-old Tracy Mitchell was holding a pocket knife in one hand and a picture frame in the other as they argued in their apartment early Monday morning. She says Mitchell tried to strike her with the picture frame as they both fell to the floor.

The woman says she tried to hold Mitchell on the ground, but Mitchell stabbed her once in the leg. Mitchell left the apartment shortly afterward.

I’ll bet it was a Kit Kat. I’d probably stab my own mother for a Kit Kat. Just sayin’…

Terrorism Is Always A Step Away

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the airport… A man attacked a Flint, Michigan police officer from behind with a knife, stabbing him several times while shouting “Allahu Ackbar.”

The media still cannot find a motive for the attack.

A Canadian man yelling ‘Allahu Akbar’ repeatedly stabbed the officer including in the neck at the airport on Wednesday morning. The saying is often shouted by Islamic terrorists before attacks or suicide bombings.

The police officer involved in the incident has been identified as Lieutenant Jeff Neville.

Neville was at his post at the top of a set of escalators at the airport Wednesday morning when he was attacked from behind with a knife similar to a Bowie knife.

The article goes on to say it is unclear why the Islamist was in Flint. Um, because Flint is in Michigan, home to Dearborn, America’s budding Caliphate.

Be wary of your surroundings, America. The fatwa has come to our shores.

Killer Clowns From Mile-High Space

A clown has been arrested after stabbing a man to death in the Mile High City.

Denver police have arrested a man who was wearing clown makeup when he allegedly stabbed and slashed a 29-year-old man to death with a glove that had blades attached to the end of each finger.

Christian Lee Gulzow, 36, allegedly attacked the victim at 12:49 a.m. Tuesday following an argument near Torchy’s Tacos at West 11th Avenue and Broadway. The Denver coroner’s office identified the victim as Brian Lucero, 29. The cause of death was a stab wound, according to a coroner’s office news release.

Torchy’s Tacos? Does the burning emanate in the mouth or out the rear?

The suspect, wearing white clown makeup accented with black streaks on the face, suddenly began threatening the victim with a glove with blades that were 2- to 3-inches long. They were near the Corner Store at West 10th Avenue and Broadway.

Gulzow began pummeling the victim, who tried to dodge the blows, the police report says. The victim eventually punched the suspect, who then yelled at the victim and followed him to Torchy’s.

Is this a bad episode of the Red Skelton Show or an even worse episode of X-Men: Wolverine?

Gulzow allegedly fled on a scooter, the police report says.

So a clown stabs a man with Freddy Krueger gloves, then makes his getaway on a scooter? Yep, it’s official; I have now heard everything.