Why So Serious?

A British teenager received a paltry eleven-year prison sentence after applying clown makeup, placing a pillow over her lover, and stabbing him repeatedly with a knife.

Carlisle Crown Court heard Zoe Adams, 19, put a pillow over Kieran Bewick’s head ‘to make sex kinkier’ only to stab him with a 10-inch blade.

She admitted stabbing Mr Bewick and causing him grievous bodily harm but told a trial of issue she had no memory of the stabbing and claimed it was an ‘overreaction’ after the teenager ‘started kissing her against her will’.

Judge James Adkin branded her ‘cruel and sadistic’ while the court heard disturbing images were found on her iPhone including a blood-covered woman with the caption: ‘Murder is like a bag of chips: you can’t stop after just one.’

Gentlemen, I’ve said it dozens of times but it bears repeating: never stick your dick in crazy.


That’s Not A Slash, This Is A Slash

Yesterday Jenn asked why I was hating on Canada – her home and native land – this week, and while I did post two stories about Canadian dullards, it was not meant to be insulting to her or her countrymen.

That said, I felt badly about it, so when I saw this awesome story about Canada, I had to get it out there.

Toronto Police say the frightening encounter unfolded on Harewood Ave., just before noon.

“The victim arrived home to find a man inside his home,” Const. Jenifferjit Sidhu said Tuesday, adding the homeowner was stabbed, “possibly with a screwdriver,” during the confrontation.

A contractor working at a neighbouring house heard the commotion and did what he could to help.

“There was blood spurting out the back of his leg and his dog was chasing the fella,” Craig Hussey said, recalling the ordeal. He said the victim told him the intruder’s face was probably bloodied “because he hit him with a hockey stick.”

That’s. Friggin’. Awesome. Canada’s national sport is lacrosse, and its most popular sport is hockey. There are plenty of sticks out and about, so commit crimes with extreme caution.

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut…

A Reading, Pennsylvania woman was arrested after she and her roommate got into an argument over candy.

Mental note: Don’t let this woman within fifty miles of Hersheypark.

Authorities say a Pennsylvania woman stabbed her roommate during a dispute over candy.

According to a police affidavit, the victim claims 54-year-old Tracy Mitchell was holding a pocket knife in one hand and a picture frame in the other as they argued in their apartment early Monday morning. She says Mitchell tried to strike her with the picture frame as they both fell to the floor.

The woman says she tried to hold Mitchell on the ground, but Mitchell stabbed her once in the leg. Mitchell left the apartment shortly afterward.

I’ll bet it was a Kit Kat. I’d probably stab my own mother for a Kit Kat. Just sayin’…

Terrorism Is Always A Step Away

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the airport… A man attacked a Flint, Michigan police officer from behind with a knife, stabbing him several times while shouting “Allahu Ackbar.”

The media still cannot find a motive for the attack.

A Canadian man yelling ‘Allahu Akbar’ repeatedly stabbed the officer including in the neck at the airport on Wednesday morning. The saying is often shouted by Islamic terrorists before attacks or suicide bombings.

The police officer involved in the incident has been identified as Lieutenant Jeff Neville.

Neville was at his post at the top of a set of escalators at the airport Wednesday morning when he was attacked from behind with a knife similar to a Bowie knife.

The article goes on to say it is unclear why the Islamist was in Flint. Um, because Flint is in Michigan, home to Dearborn, America’s budding Caliphate.

Be wary of your surroundings, America. The fatwa has come to our shores.

Killer Clowns From Mile-High Space

A clown has been arrested after stabbing a man to death in the Mile High City.

Denver police have arrested a man who was wearing clown makeup when he allegedly stabbed and slashed a 29-year-old man to death with a glove that had blades attached to the end of each finger.

Christian Lee Gulzow, 36, allegedly attacked the victim at 12:49 a.m. Tuesday following an argument near Torchy’s Tacos at West 11th Avenue and Broadway. The Denver coroner’s office identified the victim as Brian Lucero, 29. The cause of death was a stab wound, according to a coroner’s office news release.

Torchy’s Tacos? Does the burning emanate in the mouth or out the rear?

The suspect, wearing white clown makeup accented with black streaks on the face, suddenly began threatening the victim with a glove with blades that were 2- to 3-inches long. They were near the Corner Store at West 10th Avenue and Broadway.

Gulzow began pummeling the victim, who tried to dodge the blows, the police report says. The victim eventually punched the suspect, who then yelled at the victim and followed him to Torchy’s.

Is this a bad episode of the Red Skelton Show or an even worse episode of X-Men: Wolverine?

Gulzow allegedly fled on a scooter, the police report says.

So a clown stabs a man with Freddy Krueger gloves, then makes his getaway on a scooter? Yep, it’s official; I have now heard everything.

The Oxford Karma

Meet Lavinia Woodward.

Lavinia is a student at Oxford University who majors in medical science and minors in alcohol and drugs. Sadly, the aspiring heart surgeon does not attend psychiatry classes.

Lavinia Woodward, 24, swiped at her boyfriend with the blade, before stabbing him in the leg. She then hurled a laptop, a glass and a jam jar at him, during the drink and drug-fuelled clash at Christ Church college, Oxford.

Judge Ian Pringle said the offence would normally mean a prison term, but instead delayed sentencing and slapped her with a restraining order to stay drug-free and not to re-offend.

“It seems to me that if this was a one-off, a complete one-off, to prevent this extraordinary able young lady from not following her long-held desire to enter the profession she wishes to, would be a sentence which would be too severe.”

So this drug-addled psychopath will avoid prison because she’s pretty and she promised to turn her life around? What happened to the good old days when we threw people like this into the Tower of London?

Defending, James Sturman QC said his client’s dreams of becoming a surgeon were ‘almost impossible’ as her conviction would have to be disclosed.

Well, if nothing else, we know Lavinia is good with a knife.

Portland Man Just Trying To Get Ahead

Portland, Oregon is not only a haven for special snowflakes and angst-ridden musicians; it’s also home to a few batshit crazy psychopaths.

A man covered in blood, holding a knife and carrying a human head walked into an Estacada grocery store and stabbed an employee Sunday afternoon, according to the Clackamas County Sheriff’s Office.

Sunday’s grisly episode first came to light when the man walked into the Estacada Thriftway Harvest Market at around 2:15 p.m. Once inside the store, the suspect stabbed an employee, who was flown to a hospital, according to Sandy Police. That victim’s condition has not been released.

Give the man a break. He was just trying to get a head start on Memorial Day weekend. Don’t punish him because he’s a little too headstrong.

True Detective Stories

Lost in the homicides, robberies, and domestic assaults in my division is a skyrocketing new crime with a surprising weapon of choice.

On Monday we were notified of a stabbing in one of our districts where the male victim was stabbed in the chest. Yesterday we received a call for another male stabbed in the head and neck. Both victims will recover, but the crimes were committed by two different people with the same weapon…

A crack pipe.

Apparently the people in my division are losing their damned minds, and ignoring traditional weapons like knives, baseball bats and sporks. Instead, crackheads are choosing the cold, sleek feel of their prized glass pipes. One would think attacking each other with crack pipes would go against their interests. I mean, at six dollars a pop, those things aren’t cheap!

It’s Hip To Be Pare

grosse-pointe-blank-stabbingWhile I rarely look forward to a workday, I am notorious for coming in every day and doing so on time. It’s a responsibility I take seriously. Others are not so conscientious; like this clown, for example.

Case in point, 54-year-old Masaru Miura who wanted to skip work on February 22 so badly that he stabbed himself with a kitchen knife in the bathroom at Nagoya Municipal Subway station, Kasugai. He then proceeded to call the police and tell them that he had been attacked by a total stranger while he was relieving himself.

When police arrived on the scene, they found Masaru trying to stop the bleeding a knife wound on his left hip. They sealed off the scene of the crime and started to question him about the attack he had allegedly been a victim to. He was relieving himself at an urinal when a man holding a large knife simply stabbed him from the back and took off. As they waited for a medical team to take care of the victim’s 2.5 cm-long stab found, policemen kept asking him about the attack, and soon discovered cracks in Masaru’s version of the events.

So much for that fabled Japanese work ethic.

The good news is Masaru did miss work that day. The bad news is he spent it in prison, where many men will be trying to penetrate him while he’s relieving himself.

Continue reading “It’s Hip To Be Pare”

A Close Shave

San Diego Skyline

A San Diego man claims he was stabbed by a woman with a beard. There is no word whether the woman in question was Michelle Obama.

Police spokesman Robert Heims told Fox 5 San Diego that the 39-year-old victim, whose name has not been released, walked up to a group of people and asked for a cigarette. At that point, Heims said, the woman walked up to the victim and told him to get away from her things. She then stabbed him on the left side of his neck.

The victim was taken to a hospital and treated for non-life-threatening injuries. The suspect fled the scene, and is described as a white woman “with a beard”, weighing approximately 400 pounds and wearing a white T-shirt and jeans.

You know, the beard caught my interest – I can shave her beard while she can shave my back – but the 400 pounds sealed the deal. I am hereby volunteering to bail this woman out, on the condition she will make sweet, sweaty love to me in between quarterly-hour feedings.

*Hat Tip to TXNick, who ruined my appetite with this woman’s visual.