Come With Me If You Want To Live

Meet Sarah Connors of Bloomfield, New Jersey.

Sarah, um, “quarantined” herself in Louisiana for a spell, and when she was, um, “released,” she decided to go back to her roots. Stealing cars.

A New Jersey woman faces more charges after police say she stole a car less than an hour after being released from the St. Tammany Parish Correctional Center.

Where is a Terminator when you need him?

“At approximately 4:45 p.m. Monday, the St. Tammany Parish Sheriff’s Office was contacted about a red Chevy Camaro, which had been stolen after it was left running outside a fast-food restaurant near the intersection of US Highway 190 and Louisiana Highway 25 in Covington,” said the St. Tammany Parish Sheriff’s Office.

Deputies found the stolen Camaro heading southbound on U.S. 190 near Holiday Boulevard and gave chase. Police say the driver did not stop and sideswiped another car before deputies found the car crashed off the Fairway Drive exit.

The driver, 27-year-old Sarah Connors of Bloomfield New Jersey, sustained serious injuries in the crash and was transported by emergency medical personnel to a local area hospital.

Once again, we can confirm Jersey drivers are some of the worst in the country.

Oh, and before you ask, sure, Sarah is definitely bangable.

Next Time She May Be More Leary

A mother from Beaverton, Oregon had the scare of a lifetime after a thief stole her car with her child in the vehicle. Ironically, there is evidence the thief is more responsible than the mother.

Police responded to Basics Meat Market around 9 a.m. Saturday in Beaverton, Oregon. Crystal Leary told them she had gone into the store to quickly grab a couple of items and left her 4-year-old son in the car with the engine running.

While she was inside, a man got into the car and drove off with the boy inside.

You would be surprised how often this happens, and while it’s easy to blame the car thief, the only person responsible for this calamity is the mother. But wait, it gets better.

Leary says the suspect then drove back to the store and yelled at her, threatening to call the police because she left her son in the car. He ordered her to get the boy out of the car then drove off again. (H/T – Smite)

Your honor, the defense rests. Look, the man should obviously be charged with the auto theft, but I still stand by my statement that this man is infinitely more responsible than the child’s mother.

True Detective Stories

While you’ve all read stories featuring Diego The Idiot Detective, the truly demoralizing part of my job is there are a multitude of Diegos in this department.

Yesterday I received a call from the Washtenaw County Sheriff’s Department in Michigan. (No, I never heard of it, either, but it’s apparently near Ann Arbor.) Anyway, a sheriff’s deputy was out on a car stop with what appeared to be a stolen car taken from Philadelphia.

The deputy gave me the information, and I checked the original stolen auto report. The vehicle was a rental car from Enterprise. The renter parked it on the street on October 11th, and he forgot where he parked it on October 12th. Considering the district where it happened, I am sure the renter was drunk at the time.

As I was scrolling through the paperwork, I noticed something both hilarious and infuriating. Apparently, the renter eventually found the vehicle later on October 12th, and reported it to the police district. A conscientious moron police officer took the information and made an auto recovery report.

Unfortunately for the WCSD officer and the renter, the jackass police officer never sent the report to NCIC, which means it was never taken out of stolen status.

Meanwhile, the renter was stopped on the side of the highway, detained by police, for driving a vehicle which was no longer in stolen status. I explained the situation to the sheriff’s deputy, and after laughing at my department’s incompetence, assured me he would let the renter continue on his way.

I called the district in question – arguably the dumbest police station in the city – and told them to submit the report immediately, before this poor sap gets pulled over again.

You know, this department has more than its fair share of self-owns, but this one was completely avoidable, and still the cops couldn’t get it right. Simply infuriating.

(Thanks to Mis.Hum. at AOSHQ for the ONT link!)

Welcome To Peak Florida

A pizza delivery driver reported his car stolen as he left it running while making a delivery. Miami-Dade police responded, eventually located the vehicle, and a chase ensued.

And that’s when everyone got a case of the Floridas.

A Papa John’s delivery driver dropping off a pizza in Miami-Dade County came back to find their car had swiped by a pair of brazen thieves.

Miami-Dade police said two suspects got into the car near Northwest 71st Street and 20th Avenue. Soon after, officers spotted the car and a short chase ensued.

Wait for it…

The two men took off after abandoning the car on the railroad tracks at Northwest 73rd Street and 19th Avenue, police said, where it was hit by a train as officers set up a perimeter.

None of you thought it prudent to move the vehicle off the railroad tracks? Well done, officers!

True Detective Stories

Where do I begin with this one?

A gentleman calls the division and wants to know the procedure for investigating a stolen car. I tell him the vehicle information is entered into the national database, and if someone runs the tag or the VIN, radio will come back to confirm it is stolen. The officers recover the vehicle and notify the owner.

The man – we’ll call him Earl – then says he needs to “adjust” his original report. You see, Earl made a report of a stolen vehicle, but after talking to his insurance company, Earl now “remembers” he was actually robbed. He “remembered” this four days after reporting the car stolen.

Being an inquisitive person, I asked Earl if the robbery details were mentioned during the report. Earl said no. When I asked why not, Earl replied, “I was embarrassed.”

Now, in my division, there is only one legitimate reason a man would be embarrassed about being robbed. The usual reason is the man picked up a lady of the evening and she kept the vehicle due to a “lack of payment.” Now I’m not sure this was the case with Earl, but after twenty-five years, I made an educated guess…. which I kept to myself…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

My Lover The Car

Meet Tennessee’s Kelton Griffin. Kelton has a problem, and his solution is multiple girlfriends because Kelton has so much love to give.

Kelton Griffin picked up his first date and she allowed him to drive her car because she did not know where he planned to take her.

He stopped at a local gas station and when she went inside to buy cigars, he sped off, leaving her stranded. She tried calling him, but he blocked her number. When she tried to reach out to him on social media, she discovered that he had blocked her there as well. She then contacted her family to let them know what happened.

Then she received a text message from her godsister, who told her that Griffin was on his way to pick her up to take her on a date.

Say what you will about Kelton and his zany scheme; Cameron Crowe already purchased the movie rights, and Chris Rock is slated for the lead.

True Detective Stories

It’s always fun going to work during a snow day. We can usually dress down, the traffic is light, and for the most part, the animals stay in their cages. Of course, the wintry weather doesn’t stave off the phone calls, and did I catch a real doozy yesterday.

A man called the division and stated his cousin – I’m not sure if he meant his real cousin or his “play cousin” – was arrested for armed robbery and stealing a car. Natch, the man’s cousin didn’t do it, attends college, and was just turning his life around.

Any hoo, the man claimed his cousin was only a passenger in the stolen car, and was not involved in the robbery. The man claimed he had proof, but since the arrest was already processed there was nothing we could do.

Then he says this…

“The detective brought him up for an interview, but my cousin didn’t want to give up the guy who did the jobs.”

Well whose fault is that, slapnuts? It’s possible the cousin is a decent kid who got caught up in the wrong crowd, but his “Stop Snitching” attitude saddled him with two felony arrests, a trip to prison, and possibly expulsion from college. He’ll now graduate Summa Cum Laude from Cell Block D.

Dude, Where’s My Car?

giorgio-tsoukalosWhile my profession is neither glamorous nor monetarily enriching, it does offer security not found in any occupation on the entire planet Earth. The reason for this is simple: most criminals are repeat offenders. They are repeat offenders because they are outright morons.

Take this South Dakota rocket surgeon, for instance.

Police arrested a 21-year-old Parker man Monday after they say he stole a vehicle just after being released from Pipestone (Minn.) County jail and drove it down to Sioux Falls to meet with his probation officer.

Ashton Brooks White Olsen is charged with one count of possession of a stolen vehicle.

Lt. Kyle Hoekstra of the Sioux Falls Police Department said White Olsen took a car that had been left running. Hoekstra said the cold temperatures and the fact that White Olsen didn’t have a vehicle were the likely the motivation behind the theft.

First of all, nice name; I’m sure it looks great on the back of a hockey jersey. Second, if you commit a crime five minutes after being released from prison, you are simply too stupid to live.