True Detective Stories

So the other day we received a stolen gun report. We get a few of them every day, and approximately seventy-five percent of them are either dullards who forgot where they placed their firearm, or people make straw purchases.

Straw purchases are used to describe people who purchase a firearm, then sell said firearm to someone who would never pass a background check, like criminals, illegal immigrants, or Cher.

I was searching for someone who would do a professional, no-nonsense investigation, and while scanning the floor, it hit me. Diego the Idiot Detective!

The reason for this was two-fold. First, it gets this braying jackass out of our hair for at least a half hour, and second, he will surely do something stupid during the interview, showering the rest of with raucous laughter. He did not disappoint…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

You may remember the officers who fell asleep in the courtroom during my domestic assault trial in September. They singlehandedly had a rock solid case dismissed for their idiocy. Sadly, they were back yesterday, with the most confusing report I have ever seen.

The report was not well-prepared, and completely jumbled. In short, it read like this (paraphrasing):

Officers stopped the offender after his vehicle would not proceed after multiple red light cycles. The offender was investigated for a possible DUI. The offender was found asleep at the wheel, and was not a DUI. A search incident to arrest found the offender was carrying a firearm. The offender was arrested for possession of the semi-auto pistol.

Clear and concise, amirite?

The officers dropped this mess on my desk and I had to read it three times. After the third try, I gave up and called the officers over. Since I had a history with these two, I wanted to make sure this mess would pass muster with an assistant district attorney. I tried to speak slowly…

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

Day work, the worst shift ever created, began Saturday and while the first half of the morning was quiet and peaceful, the morons came out in force by midday. Take this dude, for example…

An officer brought in a robbery report, where the victim was “allegedly” robbed point of gun by an unknown male at 4am. Among the ridiculous list of items taken was the male’s handgun.

I say ridiculous because the victim claimed he was walking down the street, minding his own business, when the offender pulled out a gun and took his revolver, $1,200, Apple watch, Notebook laptop, and Beats headphones. The victim did not mention a backpack, so I assume he was walking the streets with all these items in his hands!

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

Yesterday was my first night back, and night work is always entertaining. All the drug dealers are finally awake at the stroke of 3pm, the trash is at peak stench, and I’m not ready to hang myself until at least 7pm.

Of course, there is always some clown who wants me to start tying the noose early.

An officer called from the street and told me the victim (mother) claimed the offender (daughter) stole her Glock 9mm pistol from the residence. The theft allegedly occurred somewhere around September 14th. Nothing like being timely when reporting a stolen handgun. The mother said the daughter, a juvenile, stole the gun and fled the house with it. Both the mother and daughter were on location with police.

The daughter allegedly told the officer she stole her mother’s gun, then while transporting it to Visnhu-knows-where, another person stole it from her.


The officer – this is precious – asks me if he should arrest the daughter. Gee, let me consult Mister Peabody, and see what he has to say.

Yes, Mister Peabody, she admitted she stole the gun. Yes, Mister Peabody, she said that in front of the cop. Yes, Mister Peabody, she claims the gun was stolen yet again while she was carrying the weapon. What’s that? Yes, Mister Peabody, this police officer is a moron. Thank you.

“Yeah, Mister Peabody said to lock this bitch up and stop being a dumbass.”

True Detective Stories

Yesterday started out in a grand fashion.

We were scheduled to have nine detectives working, and as I was driving in I received texts from three saying they were sick, one whose wife went into labor, and one who would be two hours late.


So it was me and The Redhead Queen in the office when the first report came in. The complainant’s (bullshit) story went like this: He came home late after a night out. In his rush to get inside, he left his fully loaded Smith & Wesson 9mm semi-auto pistol in his car. Because reasons. The next day, this clown wakes up, goes out to the car, and notices the gun is missing. There are no signs of forced entry, the inside of the vehicle is not disturbed, and nothing else is taken. Just the loaded pistol.

The Queen brings in the “victim,” and goes after him hard. She asks why he would be so stupid to leave his gun in his car, why he has no information on the weapon, and why he hasn’t hanged himself in embarrassment. (Okay, I made up that last part.)

A half hour goes by, and I see the Queen walking the victim out the door and giving him a hearty, “Have a nice day!” Puzzled, I stare at her blankly, and ask what the hell just happened.

“Oh, while I was grilling him, the guy claimed he worked as a Voodoo priest. I have enough problems without some dude sticking pins in his very own Redhead Queen doll.”

School’s Out For Dumber

Chief Wiggum Threatening Walnuts

A Philadelphia high school was locked down yesterday after a School District police officer noticed his personal gun was stolen. The gun was left unsecured… in his car… which was unlocked.

The theft of a school police officer’s gun prompted police on Tuesday to place Kensington High School on lockdown.

The officer kept the gun in his car – but forgot to lock the car, said Officer Christine O’Brien, a police spokeswoman. The officer also wasn’t sure if he locked his car overnight at his home, so investigators haven’t yet determined whether the theft occurred outside his home or outside the high school.

For the record, school police officers are not Philadelphia police officers. School cops are infinitely more incompetent, as you can see. The irony here is Kensington High School was locked down. In that section of the city, the students are much better armed than the police officers.