Pickle Me This…

A Flori-Duh man was arrested after he was spotted lying sans pantaloons in someone’s driveway while pleasuring himself with a pickle.

You’d think the pickle juice would burn, but I guess this clown is used to it be now.

Eric Detiege, 47, of Tampa, was charged Sunday with exposure of sexual organs for the unappetizing display, according to the arrest affidavit obtained by the outlet. The arresting officer was at the time responding to reports of a suspicious person.

He ultimately found Detiege on private premises “lying flat on his back, no pants or undergarments on his bottom half,” according to the document.

This may shock you, but Mr. Detiege looks exactly as you would expect.

She Is Sparks-acus!

A Tampa, Florida middle school student was arrested this week after she was found peddling stun guns to her fellow classmates.

Well, if nothing else, I guess that’s one way to force teachers back into the classroom.

An 12-year-old Tampa student is facing charges this afternoon after she sold stun-guns at Coleman Middle School.

Good for her! It’s the perfect defense against leftist indoctrination.

According to the Tampa Police Department, a staff member at the school alerted the administration that the student had brought the stun-guns on campus.

Snitches get stitches. Or, in this case, they get electrified.

A School Resource Officer removed the student from class and she admitted to purchasing five electric stun-guns online and brought them to school to sell to other students later adding that she had sold three stun-guns on Feb. 25.

Yet another example of government snuffing out a small business. When will it end?

The girl was found to be in possession of two black Vipertek stun-guns. Police say there was no threat made to any individual or the school itself.

So, if I’m reading this correctly, Florida cops will do nothing when a student shoots up a school, but they’ll send a SWAT team to lock up a girl selling non-lethal stun guns. Sounds about right.

Karen Doesn’t Like Hockey

Meet Devon Garnett of Tampa Florida. Devon is a hockey fan, and his favorite team is the Tampa Bay Lightning (obviously). The Lightning are in the Stanley Cup Finals, so he invited some friends over to watch the game, but a Karen interfered.

Devon Garnett, a bay area super fan of sorts recently profiled by the Tampa Bay Times, was watching Game 3 of the Stanley Cup final Wednesday evening with two buddies at Radius Palms apartments near USF. In one first-period sequence, when Victor Hedman controlled the puck in the Lightning’s offensive zone, the friends began screaming, “Shoot! Shoot!” at the TV.

Evidently, that prompted a neighbor to call police. Minutes later, a handful of Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office deputies were at their doorstep.

“So they came to the door and thought there were guns in the house,” said Garnett, 26. “We’re like, ‘Nope, we’re just screaming for Steven Stamkos.’”

You’d have to assume most people in the apartment complex knew he was a rabid hockey fan, but hey, call the police anyway after hearing the word, “shoot.”

With that, the cops went on their way, Garnett said.

“(The police) completely understood and just laughed it off,” said Garnett, a Clearwater Central Catholic alumnus who played football for the Marauders. “But they thought it was serious because I was screaming ‘Shoot!’ as in ‘Shoot the puck.’”

Dear Karen, please head to the nearest Coscto and buy yourself a life.