Modern(a) Problems

Meet Virginia Brown of Greenback, Tennessee.

Virginia lives by her principles, one of which is her disagreement with vaccinations. That’s probably the reason why she sped through a vaccination site, nearly striking many health workers.

Police Monday arrested Virginia Brown, 36, on seven felony reckless endangerment charges in connection with an incident in the parking lot of a mall about 15 miles from her home in Greenback, a city outside Knoxville.

Investigators charge that Brown, driving a 2005 Chrysler Pacifica, sped through a series of cones and a tent set up outside the Foothills Mall. Brown allegedly came close to striking seven workers manning the vaccine site, and several victims “stated that they thought the driver was going to kill them,” according to a Blount County Sheriff’s Office report.

As she drove past the workers, Brown appeared to yell, “No vaccine,” witnesses told deputies.

I’m not a fan of the vaccine, either – especially with the government demanding it – but I’m also not going to shame those who choose to get vaccinated. This would have been hilarious if Brown just drove by and yelled, “No vaccine!” but nearly running down people to make your point? Nah, brah.

Grin And Bear It

A black bear ruined a couple’s Tennessee morning when it climbed onto the desk, climbed into a hot tub, and enjoyed a sunrise over the Smoky Mountains. There is no telling if the bear left a tip for the couple.

A couple on holiday in Great Smoky Mountains National Park got the surprise of a lifetime when a black bear decided to enjoy the sunrise from the hot tub on their deck.

Mason Trebony and his wife were on holiday at a Tennessee cabin on March 20, when he saw the bear climb into the tub for an early morning soak.

“It’s just having a blast,” Trebony said in video that captured the moment.

According to the National Park Service, approximately 1,500 bears live in the park, and should be given a distance of at least 45 meters if possible.

You can see the video of the bear at the link.

You’ll Find He’s Full Of Surprises

Meet Luke Sky Walker of Tennessee. Luke was given a heroic name, but his actions reflect those of Greedo or Doctor Evazan.

Luke Sky Walker, 21, was arrested Thursday by police in Elizabethton, Tennessee, for a probation violation in connection with a felony theft charge. The jailbird namesake of the Jedi master was then taken into custody at the Probation and Parole Office before being taken to the Carter County Detention Center.

Even Mark Hamill — who played Luke Skywalker in the iconic “Star Wars” film series — commented that the arrest was a little out of this world.

“The real crime here is Mr. & Mrs. Walker saddling this poor guy with that name in the first place,” Hamill tweeted early Sunday. “#MisbegottenMoniker”

In a few years, Luke will have the death sentence on twelve systems.

She’s A Cheeky B*tch

A woman was arrested after creating an ingenious method for transporting her filthy little urchins.

Cell phone video taken by a concerned citizen in southwest Tennessee shows a woman releasing her two grandchildren from dog kennels in the back of her trunk.

Leimome Cheeks, 62, has been arrested and charged on two counts of child endangerment for the disturbing incident that took place in Memphis on Saturday.

The children told authorities that Cheeks claimed there wasn’t enough room for them to sit safely in a seat.

The kids also complained they were hot during the drive, while being kept in a confined space in the trunk. They said Cheeks didn’t have air conditioning on and kept the windows closed.

Now before we overreact, let’s consider how many of us thought about doing the exact same thing. I’m guessing the number would represent a majority of us. Of course, I would never put my kids into dog kennels; those are entirely too good for my monsters. No, I’m thinking along the lines of birdcages.

Time Heels All Wounds

Meet Irene Sewell of Tennessee.

Irene is a retired professional ballroom dancer – that’s apparently a thing – who wanted to achieve fame and/or fortune. She did so by running a marathon in high heels.

Irene Sewell shared photos of herself following the Guinness World Record-breaking performance as she managed to complete the 26.2-mile race in the high-heeled shoes.

“Well world, I DID IT. I’m still in shock, but it really happened,” she wrote this week. “I ran a marathon today in high heels and set a Guinness World Record with two minutes to spare!”

Sewell brought six pairs of the 3-inch stilettos ranging from size seven and a half to nine along with blister band-aids, in-soles and calf sleeves. To top the previous record Sewell was required to complete the race in under seven and a half hours equaling a 17-minute mile pace.

So Irene ran a 26.2-mile race in high heels without ever falling backward and breaking a toe? Wow, someone nominate her for president! #ImWithHer

If This Potty’s A-Rockin’…

A Tennessee couple – hmm, I figured it would be Florida – were arrested after having sex in a bathroom, then boinking in a less sanitary bathroom.

According to arrest warrants, the Clarksville Police Department was called to O’Connor’s Irish Pub on Tylertown Road at about 1:19 a.m. Saturday.

A security officer told police a man was in the women’s bathroom, and then unlocked the door for them. While one officer escorted the 26-year-old Clarksville man out of the bathroom, a female officer told the “completely naked” 28-year-old woman to get dressed.

The man was escorted out of the building and told to find a ride home because of his intoxication level. A few minutes later, the woman, who smelled of alcohol and had bloodshot eyes, was escorted out and told to get a cab.

“Instead, they both entered the nearby Porta-Potty,” according to warrants. “Officers banged on the door several times before they opened it. Both subjects’ clothing was again disheveled. It was clear they were attempting to fornicate.”

Maybe it’s just me, but if I was the responding officer, I would have gently nudged the porta-potty with my cruiser, laughed as it flipped on its side, and sped away. Of course, I’m kind of an a-hole.

Kreidel The Klown

candice-kreidelMeet Candice Kreidel of Cunningham, Tennessee. Ever the Tennessean, Candice spends her nights sipping chugging whiskey and entertaining the masses.

The Montgomery County Sheriff’s Office was dispatched to the scene after “a series of calls about a white female wearing clown-like makeup, a stocking cap, and was either partially or completely nude that was running up and down Louise Road, chasing cars and jumping out in front of other cars.”

While a deputy was on the way to the scene, 911 received four calls from Candice A. Kreidel “in which call takers were berated, threatened and cursed.”

When the deputy went to Kreidel’s home on Louise Road, he found her in a sports bra, pajama-style bottoms, a stocking cap and wearing clown makeup on her face and body. She was also holding a beer. Kreidel, 37, was charged with disorderly conduct, public intoxication and making non-emergency 911 calls.

After twenty-two years in law enforcement, it has been my experience that the naked people with whom you come into contact are the same people who should never appear naked. Candice is proof positive of this axiom. Woman has a face like a frying pan.

Hard Of Herrin

Paul Herrin TennesseeMeet Paul Herrin.

As you can plainly see, Paul is a personable, well-adjusted individual who is just trying to make his way in this topsy-turvy world. He is a loyal family man who was unjustifiably arrested by the police for trying to remove his wife from harms’ way. Paul, as you will soon see, is an American hero.

Police said the homeowner thought that Paul Herrin, 26, was a tenant stopping by to pay rent. When the homeowner opened the door, the suspect wedged his foot inside and pushed his way through.

The robber insisted that he was there to “save Taylor Swift, his wife, and that he had every right to search the residence.”

If I had a nickel for every time I saved my wife, Hayley Atwell, from harm, I’d have… eight nickels. Ironically, Vica Kerekes has been arrested dozens of times for bursting into my home. To be honest, it is really quite embarrassing.