Til Death Do Us Part?

A Texas man was arrested after he allegedly shot and killed his fiancee four days after he proposed.

A Texas man who proposed to his fiancée on New Year’s Eve has been arrested and charged with her murder just four days into their engagement.

Kendrick Akins allegedly shot Dominic Jefferson in the parking lot of her apartment complex close to midnight on Saturday night after witnesses say they engaged in an argument, according to ABC News’ Houston station KTRK.

A witness who saw the confrontation at the Holly View Apartments in Harris County, Texas, was also allegedly shot at when they ran to help Jefferson after she had been shot.

Now I have seen some despicable crimes in my day, but how does someone propose to a woman then murder her four days later? What the hell is wrong with people?

The Mummy Lives

When they aren’t illegally spying on American citizens or attempting a coup on a duly elected president, the FBI occasionally investigates real crimes. In this case, they’re looking for a mummy robbing banks.

Authorities in Texas are on the search for a bank robber they have dubbed the “Mummy Marauder.” The robbery took place on Friday the 13th at the First Convenience Bank in Harris County.

The FBI in Houston described the suspect as a black male in his early 20s standing about 5’11.” The suspect wrapped white gauze around his face and arms, the FBI said. He also wore a wig and baseball cap.

Now, I’m no detective, but Texas may want to put out an APB on Lil Jon.

Adding Intelligence To The DNI

President Trump has announced Texas Representative Dan Ratcliffe, the man who destroyed Mueller last week – will become his new Director of National Intelligence. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a spectacular move.

Republican Texas Rep. John Ratcliffe will replace Dan Coats as Director of National Intelligence (DNI) after months of issues between President Donald Trump and the intelligence community.

Trump announced Sunday that Ratcliffe would replace Coats, whose last day in office will be August 15, according to Trump’s tweet. Trump and Coats have publicly butted heads during the latter’s two-year tenure as DNI.

The president has been toying with the idea of getting rid of Coats for months, sources familiar with the situation previously told the Daily Caller.

Dan Coats was a stereotypical Swamp creature, who spent nearly forty of his 76 years in elected office. Recently, he’s spent more time trashing the president than doing his actual job, so Coats’ term wasn’t going to last the year.

To give you an idea of Ratcliffe’s political ideology, he’s already hated by the right people. Everyone from back-bench Senator Chris Murphy to the (hopefully) soon-to-be-prisoner John Brennan are already trashing him.

Everything’s Boober In Texas

A Texas mother is hooping mad at a female photobomber who ruined their vacation photos.

A boob flashing photo-bomber ruined pictures of a fun family gathering, a mother from Cypress, Texas, says.

Photos from a family’s trip to Garner State Park were ruined when a smiling female photo-bomber decided to flash her breast in frame of the family’s picture, Monica Davila said. “I just think this person should be held accountable. What she did was wrong. There were kids there watching her,” she continued.

Davila said her husband’s grandmother recently passed away and the family decided to take a trip in her honor to Garner State Park, as she was going through her photo album from the trip, she noticed the prank in a group photo of the entire family.

“(You see her) boob, nipple, everything,” she explained.

Mental note: Tell Kyle to take a trip to Garner State Park.

Seriously, flashing your breasts in a family photo is a pretty garbage thing to do. During Erik’s Holy Communion, some a-hole flipped the bird as he passed us. It made it in the photo, and I had to crop it out because humans are awful.

Shut Yer Cake Hole

A Texas woman was banned from Walmart – how does someone get banned from Walmart? – after demanding a discount on her half-eaten cake. Try and guess who did the eating.

Wichita Falls Police were called to a Walmart on Greenbriar Road just after 8:00 p.m. Tuesday after receiving calls that a woman walked around the store eating half of a cake and refusing to pay for the whole item.

The suspect, who has not been identified, entered the bakery section of the store and proceeded to eat half of a cake while walking through the aisles.

Once at the register, the woman demanded half off because she was only buying half a cake. Police say she refused to pay for the missing half of the cake despite eating it on her way to checkout.

I’m sorry, but this is the funniest – and ballsiest – thing I have ever heard. Fat woman grabs cake, eats half, then refuses to pay for the part she previously consumed. Humanity is utterly doomed.

There Are Idiots In Texas?

2019 Ford Expedition Texas Edition Badge
When you really like a certain part of the country, it’s difficult to reconcile the fact some stone cold morons may live there. Such is apparently the case in Texas – who knew? – where an impatient dumbass almost got more than a few people killed.

To wit:

This is a video from Texas of some jackass in a Toyota Tundra who’s decided he’s tired of sitting in 10MPH traffic and drives over the pylons into the HOV lane, immediately getting rear-ended by a Ford F-150 that was doing near 70MPH (at least before that driver saw him), almost causing it to flip over the Jersey wall into oncoming traffic. What a dumbass.

For 1) if you have to drive over pylons to do something, they’re there for a reason and you know you’re not supposed to be doing it. And 2) HOV stands for High Occupancy Vehicle, meaning you have to have at least two (and sometimes three) people in the car to drive in the lane, not just a brain filled with enough stupid for six people.

Look, everyone has been stuck in traffic – apparently Texas traffic is awful – but sane people like me wait it out while calling every driver around them c-words and wishing they die in a fire. See? I’m reasonable.

You can see the idiocy below the fold…

Continue reading “There Are Idiots In Texas?”

The Yellow Hos Of Texas

A female substitute teacher has been fired after filming a pr0n video inside a Texas school. Wow, I knew Kyle made the right decision by going to school in Dallas!

A substitute teacher was fired from her job at a Texas high school after she was caught filming pornography inside of a classroom.

El Campo ISD confirmed the teacher was let go after an “improper criminal incident” occurred at El Campo High School. A school official claimed the substitute produced pornographic material in a classroom and a workroom.

No students were involved with the production of the porn. The substitute teacher was reportedly employed by El Campo High School for three months. As of Tuesday, the woman had not been charged by police, but could be facing charges of trespassing or public lewdness. The school district claimed it is working to have the woman banned from the campus.

Oh, come on! At least her stay on as a substitute for the sex education teacher; she obviously knows her way around a vulva.

The Heart Of Texas

Texas Governor Greg Abbott has been busy these past few weeks signing bills into law. Unlike other so-called governors, though, Abbott’s bills are meat and potatoes legislation which will immediately benefit the citizens of the Lone Star State.

…we’ve missed what’s going on in the Lone Star State. In the past week, Republican Gov. Greg Abbott has been busy signing laws that are giving citizens reasons to cheer. First was his signature that gave the green light to ban red light cameras.

Texan drivers applauded the governor’s action, because not only have red light cameras increased their anxiety and left them with surprise bills, but they’ve resulted in more accidents, according to new studies.

I can attest to this. In patrol, my sector included a red light camera at a busy intersection, and there were more accidents there than anywhere else in my district. People are so afraid of being caught and fined they either speed up or slam on the brakes. Boom, another accident.

A few days later, the governor gave Texans another gift.

“Have you ever ordered food or groceries from a retailer to be delivered to your home, and also wish that you could order beer or wine to be delivered to your home?” Abbott asked. “Well I’m about to sign a law that will allow you to do just that.” (H/T – TXNick)

Beer and wine home delivery? Goodness, why am I not living in Texas already?

What Time Is It? It’s Taco Clock!

Meet Roberto A. Canamargarza.

Roberto is a stranger in a strange land, and the only thing he needed to cure his homesickness was a bushel of tacos, a decent haircut, and a handgun.

Roberto A. Canamargarza, a Mexican citizen, was arrested Monday afternoon by Dallas Police after pointing a gun at different men, shooting one of them and demanding them to drive him to a taco restaurant.

Wow, way to start off the article with a racist stereotype, Dallas News!

After demanding the first victim to take him to get tacos, the driver dropped him off and drove away. He then did the same to the following two men — except Canamargarza fired several rounds at both of them.

Now before you get all judgy, I once stabbed a woman because she wouldn’t buy me a box of Milk Duds.

The second victim was able to run away as gunshots hit a nearby tire shop. The third ended up getting shot in the lower body prior to Canamarganza climbing into his car.

Ironically the victim experienced the same burning sensation the tacos would have given Roberto.

After the car didn’t start — he allegedly ran to look for other victims.

Wait a minute, the Mexican didn’t know how to hotwire a car? Holy shit, was that racist?

The Texas Beto Massacre

Congratulations, Texas; despite a challenge from leftist jackass Master Beto O’Rourke, Ted Cruz is still your senator. Thank. Christ.

Republican Sen. Ted Cruz fended off progressive sweetheart and Democratic challenger Rep. Robert “Beto” O’Rourke on Tuesday by winning re-election to retain his seat as junior U.S. senator to the state of Texas.

Cruz and O’Rourke have been in a closely watched race since the El Paso congressman gained national attention after a video of him applauding NFL players for kneeling during the national anthem went viral, lavishing praise from the Hollywood elite and springboarding him onto the television circuit.

Regardless, Cruz has maintained a steady, albeit tightening, lead throughout the duration of their campaigns.

I sent an email to TXNick last night promising if Cruz lost, Kyle would not be attending the University of Dallas. I guess I can allow him to go there now.

Texas was not the only good news last night, as the GOP added seats in the Senate, and warts like Joe Donnelly, Heidi Heitkamp, Andrew Gillum and Bill Nelson went down in flames. That said, the GOP lost the House of Representatives, and Nancy Pelosi will regain power.

One poll reported 50% of voters believed the country is going in the wrong direction. I mean, a booming economy and lower taxes used to be signs of success, but I guess those goalposts were moved.

So, we’re stuck with Democrat obstruction, impeachment hearings, and never-ending frivolous investigations. If you’re looking for someone to blame, look no further than our NeverTrump media friends. Scumbags like Jonah Goldberg, David French, Bill Kristol, Ben Shapiro, etc., etc.