True Detective Stories

While my career is routinely interrupted with crazy, insane occurrences, the bulk of my work days are chock full of boring, run-of-the mill crimes. Sure, we handle more than our share of shootings, but for every shot fired, there are twenty frauds, burglaries, and thefts.

Take yesterday’s retail theft, for example.

Two pretty young female officers came into the division to drop off a shoplifting arrest. The duo dropped off the paperwork, and I said, “Okay, you’re good. Be safe.” They stood there for a moment, and said, “No, read the story.”

I said to myself, “Okay, this is going to be good.”

The report can be summarized as follows: The offender was arrested after he entered the supermarket, took eight hundred dollars’ worth of toothpaste, then fled the scene without paying. The offender was transported to the division, and the items were returned to the supermarket.

Wait, what? Did that say EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS’ WORTH OF TOOTHPASTE?!

I looked at the officers and opened my mouth to say something, but before I could, the officers both said, “Yeah.”

Now being a snarky person by nature, I had to ask the pertinent question. “Were his teeth at least sparkling white?” The officers laughed out loud, and walked away. So I guess that question was answered.