Wait, The Wuhan Virus Is Still A Thnig?

You may remember a post from last week where the UK determined you cannot leave your residence to boink the crazy stupid hot neighbor with the fabulous rack and the ass which would bring a tear to your eye, lest you violate their Wuhan virus rules. The UK is now trying to lockdown sex entirely, transforming it into something as bland as the country’s food.

With the UK now in its tenth week of lockdown, many bored Brits have been getting frisky to keep themselves entertained while at home. But a new study has warned that having sex could spread coronavirus, and has advised that couples take preventative steps in the bedroom.

Look, I manscaped alright, now just let me dock at her “International Space Station.”

This includes avoiding kissing, showering before and after sex, and even wearing masks while having sex.

Pfft, I rarely shower before OR after sex. I figure all the sweat eradicates the junk germs.

In the study, researchers from Harvard University ranked different sexual scenarios, based on how like you are to catch coronavirus during them.

Abstinence and masturbation were ranked as ‘low risk’ sexual activities, while sex with people within a household, and sex with people from other households were ranked as ‘high risk’ activities.

Masturbation could be an option for me, but if you had any idea how dirty my penis is, I mean, wow, it’s just absolutely filthy. I wouldn’t touch it with a ten-inch pole. But hey, good luck with your new restrictions, Britain; I’m sure it’ll lead to a veritable population explosion.

Shake Up With The King

Garbage-tier fast food restaurant Burger King openly applauded a milkshake assault on British politician Nigel Farage last weekend.

Fast-food chain restaurant Burger King appeared to endorse throwing milkshakes on political opposition over the weekend.

Following reports of Brexit leader Nigel Farage taking a full-frontal milkshake attack from a protester in Newcastle, Burger King U.K. tweeted, “Dear people of Scotland. We’re selling milkshakes all weekend. Have fun. Love BK #justsaying.”

You see, as a business, you’re not fully woke until you call for violence against those with whom you disagree. Then you can earn mad retweets on that cesspool they call Twitter.

After backlash, a follow-up tweet clarified, saying, “We’d never endorse violence — or wasting our delicious milkshakes! So enjoy the weekend and please drink responsibly people.”

Except you both endorsed and encouraged violence in the previous tweet. Do you not even read your timeline?

This is exactly why Chick-Fil-A is thriving, and the despicable people at Burger King are begging to be noticed by leftists. Oh well, Burger King is just another place which will never see a dime from me.

UK Porking Citizens In The Rump Roast

Great Britain, home of the Magna Carta, has transformed from the greatest empire on Earth to the world’s largest nanny state. British politicians are considering a “meat tax.” For the chidrens.

A ‘meat tax’ which would almost double the price of a packet of sausages should be brought in to prevent thousands of Britons dying each year, health experts said.

Researchers at Oxford University set out to determine the level of tax needed to offset the healthcare costs of eating red and processed meat. They calculated that increasing the cost of red meat by 14 per cent, and processed meat by 79 per cent would prevent the deaths of nearly 6,000 people each year and save the NHS nearly £1 billion annually.

It would mean a £2.50 packet of sausages would rise to £4.47, and a fillet steak increase from £5.50 to £6.27.

As most of you know, I’ve been abiding by the Atkins diet for three years now. The diet has users eliminate carbs in favor of meats, eggs, and cheese. I lost forty pounds in 2015, and while I did gain some back, I am currently sitting at 192 pounds – two pounds heavier than I was in the police academy.

The war against meat is a farce. If Britain really wanted to make a difference, it would tax carbohydrate rich foods and sugary drinks. I’m not advocating that because I’m not a limey fascist; just noting the hypocrisy in Britain’s decisions.