Dix Gets Shafted By A Vagina

Meet Ashley Beth Rolland of Monroe, Louisiana. Ashley is an attractive, loving woman, who would do anything for her boyfriend.

Especially if his money needs to be kept warm.

The Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office said that 23-year-old Ashley Beth Rolland was accused of stealing about $5,000 from her boyfriend.

The victim, Eugene Dix, told the West Monroe Police Department that he was taking a shower in his apartment when Rolland helped himself to his cash and vanished. When she was questioned, Rolland allegedly confessed to police that she had taken the money.

Sheriff’s department documents said that when a female correctional officer searched Rolland when she was being processed, she discovered $6,233 and “a clear plastic bag” of methamphetamine inside the woman’s vagina.

Eh, what? First, you’re not a kangaroo, and second, if your vagina looks like a wallet, you have more serious problems than your upcoming court case. Sadly, that’s not the most bizarre part of this story…

Rolland denied that the bag of approximately one gram of methamphetamine found inside her was hers. (H/T – Jim F. and Al)

Yep, Ashley was just sitting on a park bench, minding her own business, when some stranger shoved a baggie of meth into her vagina.

Pop Goes The Heat Wave

The countries of Europe are almost literally on fire. A massive heat wave has covered the area with 100+ degree temperatures, and citizens are looking for relief.

While the Brits are searching for ways to keep their cool, sticking Popsicles into your private orifices is not the answer.

Brits are frantically looking for ways to cool down during the heatwave. While some are rushing out to buy fans, others are putting their bedding in the freezer. But there’s another heat-banishing hack you should never try.

Doctors are warning ladies against putting ice lollies into their vaginas – which should go without saying, really.

This is because you are “introducing microbes” into the body. Bacteria can lead to “infections, irritations and damage”, while the sugar in the lollies can affect the natural pH of the vagina.

I mean, really, the last thing Europe needs is more frigid women.

Snatch One Up Today!

Italian clothing company Fendi is selling a fur shawl which appears to look like a woman’s vagina.

Italian luxury fashion brand Fendi has pulled its $1,000 ‘Touch Of Fur’ shawl from online sale after everyone on the internet agreed it looks like a vagina. Some even went as far as to say it will make the wearer look like they’re being born.

Personally, if I were Fendi I would have tripled production, but used faux fur instead of fox fur because I think we can all agree that, while what the fox said may be up for debate, it almost certainly was not ‘Please kill me so I can be the pubic hair of your $1,000 vagina scarf.’

Maybe it’s me, but I would have assumed the fur-lined version would much less expensive, while the “waxed version” would sell for $1,000.

Eggs Over Queasy

A woman in Britain decided to propose to her boyfriend in a most unusual manner. Any further explanation would not do this story justice. Read on…

A WOMAN got a nasty shock after her creative plan for proposing to her boyfriend went horribly wrong. The unnamed woman was taking advantage of the Leap Year tradition – which means the female can propose to her man on February 29.

She decided to place an engagement ring inside a Kinder Egg and inserted it into her vagina. The woman’s surprise didn’t go quite as planned and the egg ended up rotating itself lengthwise inside.

The surgeon retrieved the egg using a pair of sponge-holding forceps, then gave the boyfriend a pair of latex gloves to open his Kinder Surprise.

Dude. Come to think of it, it would have been more appropriate to hide the ring in a bag of Swedish fish.

All That Glitters…

Ladies, are you trying to capture the interest of your man? Would you like to rekindle that old flame? If so, do I have a product for you!

The scratchy shiny stuff has plagued our food (unicorn noodles), drinks (unicorn tear juice), clothes (unicorn leisurewear), and drug paraphernalia (unicorn pipe). Now, you can even put a glitter-bomb in your vagina.

An online retailer, Pretty Woman Inc, is selling ‘Passion Dust intimacy capsules’ filled with candy-scented glitter. The product description on the website says: ‘It is a small capsule that you insert into your vagina and allow it to naturally dissolve and release it’s contents’ – with a disclaimer to users that it does not cause any magical or supernatural sensations.

Unfortunately, all that glitters can lead to mold…

Dr Jen Gunter warns this unusual concept is guaranteed to lead to a dangerous infection. By throwing off the delicate balance of your vagina’s bacteria, it could also increase your risk of catching a sexually-transmitted disease, she warns.

Maybe it’s just me, but I believe a tasty, sparkling vagina is worth the occasional urinary tract infection.

Please Swipe Your Card

taccara-naudenMeet Taccara Nauden of Hollywood, Florida.

Taccara has made some bad decisions in life; many of which resulted in a lengthy criminal record… and unsightly holes in her face.

The good news is Taccara’s body is a glutton for punishment. The bad news is Taccara’s body is a glutton for punishment.

Taccara Nauden was riding in a vehicle that was pulled over in connection with an alleged hit-and-run. The 28-year-old had an active warrant out of the Broward Sheriff’s Office for operating a vehicle without a valid driver’s license.

Nauden was arrested Saturday and taken to the BSO Main Jail for processing. It was there that Nauden apparently told medical staff that she had shoved her Nebraska ID card up her vagina during the traffic stop.

An X-ray machine at the jail confirmed that Nauden had a foreign object firmly wedged inside her vagina.

I guess the next officer who stops Taccara will think she’s from Alaska, not Nebraska. You know, because of the fish smell.

A Watershed Moment

Cat Hair Clogs Womans Vagina

A woman’s visit to the gynecologist took a hairy turn the other day, courtesy of her pussycat.

Michelle Barrow is mother to cats Cricket and Donut, who, while cute, shed a torrent of hair all over the bed, and while unsightly, she never dreamt what would happen next.

Some time later, during a routine appointment with her gynecologist, she mentioned the ‘dull ache’ she’d felt in her abdomen for the last month. The cause? A two-inch ball of cat hair inside her vagina.

How? The theory is that cat hairs in the bed became attached to her partner’s penis – neither of the couple sleep in underwear – and these had been transferred inside Miss Barrow during sex. And rather than work their way out, they simply became entangled in her IUD contraceptive coil.

As if people needed another reason to hate cats. Maybe next time Michelle will vacuum her boyfriend’s schlong before letting him boink her.