I Know Baltimore Is Awful, But…

Two vans were investigated inside Baltimore County after authorities found each vehicle stuffed to the gills with gasoline.

Baltimore County emergency crews responded to the scene of a suspicious van with 660 gallons of fuel near White Marsh Monday evening.

The fire department said on Twitter the scene is at Ebenezer Road and Pulaski Highway and appears to be related to a theft. No explosives or hazards were found.

The department did not say if the incident was connected to a similar scene in Baltimore City earlier Monday.

Police officials believe the vans were in the city to either kill the rats or put the Baltimore Orioles out of this season’s misery.

Livin’ In A Van Down By The River

A woman turned her van into a submarine this week after an insect fell into her lap. No word on whether the woman’s lawyer will sue the offending arachnid.

The woman told a state trooper she was trying to back her Kia van down the Neel’s Landing Boat Launch to put her kayak in the river when a spider jumped in her lap. Naturally, she jumped out of the van. The van then rolled into the river, the Georgia State Patrol said.

The agency sent a trooper to the boat launch in the western part of Bartow County near Kingston. By the time the trooper arrived, the van had long slipped out of sight.

“She stated that it floated downstream a few feet,” a GSP spokesman said. “And within seconds, it was totally submerged. A passerby in a boat attempted to locate the van, but without success.”

The good news is the woman finally got her seat cushions washed. The bad news is the shag carpet will never be the same.

Big Ol’ Jet Airliner

A Jackass airline employee from Missouri jeopardized more than fifty lives by taking a shortcut through the runways… in order to attend a company party.

A video taken from the control tower shows a van crossing a runway at the Springfield-Branson National Airport just seconds ahead of an airliner that was taking off.

No one was injured in the June 27 incident. The jetliner, an Embraer 145 operated by Envoy Air, was carrying 50 passengers and three crew.

A report filed by Jim Brown, driver of the van, indicates he and two other people were taking the van to an airport employee barbecue.

“I decided that due to the time limitations we would cross the runway in order to make it in time,” Brown wrote in his report.

So, Jim, how were the ribs? Tasty? Were they serving sweet tea?? Did you smoke between gobbles???

“The defense department regrets to inform you that your sons are dead because they were stupid.”