Hooker, Line, And Sink

The City of Philadelphia, in its infinite wisdom, spent a quarter million dollars to install three public toilets and sinks in the most drug-infested area of town.

The first of several public toilets and sinks have been installed in Kensington, a move Philadelphia officials hope will stem the neighborhood’s ongoing hepatitis A outbreak. Installed on Monday, the two restroom trailers and a hand-sanitizing station were activated on Wednesday — and promptly got a warm Philly welcome.

On its first day in action, the soap dispenser at Kensington Avenue and F Street was tipped over into a trashcan and dented.

I’m kind of an expert on this neighborhood, since I spent five years patrolling Kensington. When I first got on the job, Kensington was nicknamed “The Badlands,” and was the most violent neighborhood in the city. I have no idea how many homicides I responded to, but the number was very high.

“15 MINUTES ON KENSINGTON AVENUE,” reads a Facebook post from an account called Juniata News. “New sanitizing station is being vandalized already.”

Juniata is the neighborhood north of Kensington, so if they say it was fifteen minutes, I believe them. My only question is this: if you live in Juniata, why are you surprised? Hell, I’m surprised it took that long to destroy the sink!

Each mobile restroom trailer has three toilets, plus sinks. Here’s where the existing facilities live:

Restroom trailer 1 at Monmouth and Kensington
Restroom trailer 2 at Somerset and Kensington
Handwashing sink at Kensington and F Street, across the street from McPherson Square (H/TJim)

Kensington Avenue runs the length of the 24th District, and I was often placed on 24T9, which was the “Junkie Car.” I spent my eight hours chasing the heroin zombies and hookers off the avenue, and responding to overdoses and shootings. Here are a few lowlights of these sanitation station areas:

At Kensington and Monmouth, we once had a guy shooting at the elevated “El” train as it passed his second-floor apartment. It took the SWAT team to drag him out of there.

At Kensington & Somerset, I received a call to investigate a Porta-Potty. When I arrived, I opened the door, and a man was sitting on the toilet, dead of a heroin overdose. The only good part was it was mid-winter, and the corpse didn’t stink.

McPherson Square is notably nicknamed “Needlepoint Park,” because the heroin addicts shoot up there, toss their needles on the grass, and eventually some kid steps on one and has to be rushed to the hospital.

The city knows full well what goes on in these areas, and yet they wasted $250,000 for toilets and sinks which will only be destroyed by the walking dead. They could have paid me the money, and I would have gladly retired and moved to Texas. At least the money would be well spent.

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An Impressive Example Of “Girl Power”

Meet Madison Rogers of Nashville, Tennessee.

In Madison’s case, she may remind you she lives in Smashville, since after becoming a finalist for Miss Hooters Tennessee, she allegedly kicked in the door of her ex-boyfriend’s house and vandalized most everything on the second floor.

A finalist in the Miss Hooters Tennessee pageant has been arrested for allegedly vandalizing her boyfriend’s apartment just hours after he pulled the plug on their relationship.

Madison Rogers, 21, was booked into the Nashville jail earlier this month on charges of aggravated burglary and vandalism.

Rogers, who placed in the top 5 of the local beauty contest organized by Hooters, was caught on security video smashing up her ex-boyfriend’s home on May 31.

Okay, yes, it is possible Madison did some of these things, but look at her! Is this someone we really want to put in prison? Personally I believe the bigger crime here would be removing this gorgeous woman from our eyesight. Give her a fine, maybe some probation, and community service. May I suggest some bikini photo-ops across the fifty states?

Draining People’s Patience

America has sweltered through a brutal summer so far. Naturally, people have been flocking to beaches, lakes, and water parks to cool down.

Unfortunately for military families in Texas, their special day was ruined by a few a-holes.

Castaway Cove – a water park owned by the city of Wichita Falls – was set to honor those serving at Fort Sill, located near Lawton, Oklahoma, on July 1. That was until park staff arrived that morning and discovered about half the water was missing out of the lazy river.

“We put it on Facebook as soon as we got in, but they were already on the way,” said Debi Fleetwood, marketing director for the water park. “There were so many people coming down from Fort Sill, especially since it was difficult to get the word out quickly,” she said. “They got here, and we were closed. It’s disappointing.”

Fleetwood said Castaway Cove will be honoring the Fort Sill appreciation tickets through July 7.

Steve Vaughn, park manager, said it appeared someone had broken into Castaway Cove through a fence and turned on several valves, causing the water to begin draining from the lazy river, which connects to several slides and the wave pool.

“For us to refill it, it took 27 hours,” Vaughn said Monday afternoon.

Forget the trial, string these animals up and hang them from the Castaway Cove sign.

True Detective Stories

Since my division is one of the busiest in the city, we are constantly being flooded with rookies and dullards. Academy graduates are sent to our four districts to learn the job and annoy detectives. Take Steve Harvey, for example. (Yes, this cop looks exactly like Steve Harvey.) Steve is a special kind of stupid, as evidenced by his most recent police report.

Steve brought in a domestic vandalism report yesterday, and before reading it, he hold me, “The offender vandalized the complainant’s car, causing three hundred dollars in damage.” He then scampered away, distracted by a shiny nickel on the ground.

I scanned the report, because I don’t trust this stupid motherf**ker, and it read nothing like this jackass claimed. According to the report, the complainant stated her foster son “vandalized” her car… with a pencil. Apparently the offender took his pencil and drew on the side of the vehicle… to the tune of $300.

Oh, did I mention the career criminal in question was five years old?

I’m truly not certain who is the bigger simpleton; the woman who filed a police report on her five-year old child, or the incompetent police officer who put it on paper.

Painting The Town Red

duncan-lloyd-donald-trump-vandalism

A lawyer employed by the city of Philadelphia will not be charged after watching and recording a friend spray paint “F**k Trump” on a city storefront. Color me surprised.

The assistant city solicitor captured on camera with a second man, who is seen vandalizing a Chestnut Hill grocery store, will not be charged and will keep his job.

Duncan Lloyd, 32, was identified in surveillance footage that captured Lloyd and a second man walking along Germantown Avenue in Chestnut Hill on Nov. 25. In the footage, Lloyd is seen wearing a blue blazer and holding a glass of wine while appearing to film or take photos of a second man, who spray-paints “F- Trump” on the wall of a newly opened Fresh Market.

Craig Straw, first deputy city solicitor of the Philadelphia Law Department, said he learned Saturday that Lloyd would not be charged. He said Lloyd, who has been on a two-week leave without pay since the incident, will keep his job and complete 40 hours of community service.

So a city attorney sits back and watches an accomplice commit a crime, does nothing to stop or report the incident, and is rewarded with continued employment and no criminal charges? Welcome to Philadelphia.

Oh, and for the record, the writer at Philly.com tries to throw the police department under the bus, by blaming us for the lack of charges. If this chick thinks detectives would have free reign to submit an arrest warrant on a city solicitor (and a close personal friend of Mayor Kenney), she probably also believes the moon landing was faked. This case was closed before it ever began. Believe it.

Smash And Grab

William Timothy Anderson ThomasMeet William Timothy Anderson Thomas.

Despite the truly handsome model-esque features, William’s social life is rather scant, so he makes his bones by playing with his bone. Now while that is common for men of all shapes and sizes, what William does after the sploosh is not.

The Largo Police Department got a call Friday about a man smashing a mailbox. Responding officers arrived at the home and found a man later identified as William Timothy Anderson Thomas shirtless and covered in dirt.

The officers also noticed a flattened trailer tire, a broken window, and that a real estate sign and a garden angel were demolished.

Officers said Thomas admitted causing the destruction. They claim he told them “he had listened to too much music and masturbated too much and he felt like going out and destroying stuff.”

You know, if I destroyed something every time I spanked the monkey, the city of Philadelphia would look like this now…

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