What A Sad Sac

A Sac City, Iowa man – heh, they named the town Sac City – decided to climb the town’s water tower and spray paint his love for “Heather.” Unfortunately, this dolt was seen by witnesses while he was creating his artwork.

The writing is on the wall, or at least the water tower, for a Sac City man.

Eric Muggenberg may have had sweet intentions when city officials said he spray-painted an expression of love on a water tower, but the city said the painting caused about $350 in damage.

Wait, it gets better…

The graffiti also featured a misspelling of the word “together.”

I don’t know what “tog her” means, but it sounds really kinky. Heather, if you’re reading this, allow me to give you a little advice: if your guy cannot spell the word “together,” you probably shouldn’t be together.

A National Treasure Has Been Defaced!

A New York man has been arrested Friday after defacing some of Hunter Biden’s alleged “artwork” in a SoHo gallery. I wonder if any of the “buyers” are upset these works of art have been vandalized?

Rodrick Webber, 47, was detained at approximately 3:40 p.m. Friday at the George Burgess Art Gallery in the SoHo neighborhood of New York City after he defaced artwork inside the gallery, representatives for the New York Police Department said in an email to the Washington Examiner.

Webber allegedly spray-painted the word “Daddy” on a wall inside the gallery, damaging a painting worth $14,500, and when a gallery employee approached him, Webber assaulted him. Police believe Webber was targeting Biden, who had pieces inside the gallery.

“I was trying to paint the phrase, ‘Daddy is a war criminal,'” Webber reportedly told police, a prosecutor said Saturday at Webber’s arraignment in Manhattan criminal court.

Well, that quote pretty much tells you the offender is not a conservative. Even if the illegitimate president was a war criminal, he wouldn’t know it, what with all the paste-eating and such. Hunter Biden actually is a criminal, so I have no problem with someone defacing his garbage stick figures.

None of Biden’s artwork was ruined.

How could it be, when crackhead Hunter only uses finger-paint? Sorry about the vandalism, Hunter; I’m sure you’ll be able to whip up some crack-infused gems for your Chinese buyers soon enough.

Antifa Vandalizes Pelosi’s Home

After reading this story, I probably should have titled this post, “Feel-Good Saturday.” The irony of this vandalism is truly delicious.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s home appears to have been vandalized by the same far-left Antifa activists her Democratic Party has enabled for the past several years.

‘2k’ is written on the garage door and then crossed out, in what appears to be a reference to the $2,000 stimulus checks Pelosi is pushing for. The graffiti also reads ‘cancel rent’ and ‘we want everything’ in large black writing all across the door.

Red paint covers the driveway and a pig’s head sits in the center of the paving slabs.

Antifa hates you too, you stupid twat; eventually that’ll sink in through your Botox. The good news is Pelosi’s giant refrigerator can hold the pig’s head as well as thousands of dollars of gourmet ice cream.

True Detective Stories

Monday night was a mess. In the first hour, we responded to two shootings and a homicide. An hour later, a police officer called for an assist – she was okay. An hour after that, officers brought in four defendants with four guns.

Suffice to say we were busy.

The shootings, homicide and the gun arrests were all in the same police district, so it boggled my mind when a sergeant from said district called with this winner.

“Yeah, this is Sergeant Clueless. We’re out here at the Rite Aid after responding to a retail theft…” Shoplifters? Are you f**king kidding me right now? “The offender is a juvenile, and she took five dollars worth of candy.” Again, are you shitting me?

Dumbfounded at the call, I could only respond with, “Okay…”

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

True Detective Stories

So, let me tell you about my Monday.

I’m sitting at my desk, minding my own business, and wondering if I’m too old to become a professional video gamer when I notice an Assault on Police job pop up on the screen. The time was about 4:30pm, but the incident allegedly occurred at 3pm. I mean, that can’t be right, because no cop would wait nearly two hours to inform detectives of an assault on an officer, right?

At approximately 4:40pm, the officer saunters in, looking better than I have in years. For someone who was assaulted, he looked fabulous!

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”

Hooker, Line, And Sink

The City of Philadelphia, in its infinite wisdom, spent a quarter million dollars to install three public toilets and sinks in the most drug-infested area of town.

The first of several public toilets and sinks have been installed in Kensington, a move Philadelphia officials hope will stem the neighborhood’s ongoing hepatitis A outbreak. Installed on Monday, the two restroom trailers and a hand-sanitizing station were activated on Wednesday — and promptly got a warm Philly welcome.

On its first day in action, the soap dispenser at Kensington Avenue and F Street was tipped over into a trashcan and dented.

I’m kind of an expert on this neighborhood, since I spent five years patrolling Kensington. When I first got on the job, Kensington was nicknamed “The Badlands,” and was the most violent neighborhood in the city. I have no idea how many homicides I responded to, but the number was very high.

“15 MINUTES ON KENSINGTON AVENUE,” reads a Facebook post from an account called Juniata News. “New sanitizing station is being vandalized already.”

Juniata is the neighborhood north of Kensington, so if they say it was fifteen minutes, I believe them. My only question is this: if you live in Juniata, why are you surprised? Hell, I’m surprised it took that long to destroy the sink!

Each mobile restroom trailer has three toilets, plus sinks. Here’s where the existing facilities live:

Restroom trailer 1 at Monmouth and Kensington
Restroom trailer 2 at Somerset and Kensington
Handwashing sink at Kensington and F Street, across the street from McPherson Square (H/TJim)

Kensington Avenue runs the length of the 24th District, and I was often placed on 24T9, which was the “Junkie Car.” I spent my eight hours chasing the heroin zombies and hookers off the avenue, and responding to overdoses and shootings. Here are a few lowlights of these sanitation station areas:

At Kensington and Monmouth, we once had a guy shooting at the elevated “El” train as it passed his second-floor apartment. It took the SWAT team to drag him out of there.

At Kensington & Somerset, I received a call to investigate a Porta-Potty. When I arrived, I opened the door, and a man was sitting on the toilet, dead of a heroin overdose. The only good part was it was mid-winter, and the corpse didn’t stink.

McPherson Square is notably nicknamed “Needlepoint Park,” because the heroin addicts shoot up there, toss their needles on the grass, and eventually some kid steps on one and has to be rushed to the hospital.

The city knows full well what goes on in these areas, and yet they wasted $250,000 for toilets and sinks which will only be destroyed by the walking dead. They could have paid me the money, and I would have gladly retired and moved to Texas. At least the money would be well spent.

An Impressive Example Of “Girl Power”

Meet Madison Rogers of Nashville, Tennessee.

In Madison’s case, she may remind you she lives in Smashville, since after becoming a finalist for Miss Hooters Tennessee, she allegedly kicked in the door of her ex-boyfriend’s house and vandalized most everything on the second floor.

A finalist in the Miss Hooters Tennessee pageant has been arrested for allegedly vandalizing her boyfriend’s apartment just hours after he pulled the plug on their relationship.

Madison Rogers, 21, was booked into the Nashville jail earlier this month on charges of aggravated burglary and vandalism.

Rogers, who placed in the top 5 of the local beauty contest organized by Hooters, was caught on security video smashing up her ex-boyfriend’s home on May 31.

Okay, yes, it is possible Madison did some of these things, but look at her! Is this someone we really want to put in prison? Personally I believe the bigger crime here would be removing this gorgeous woman from our eyesight. Give her a fine, maybe some probation, and community service. May I suggest some bikini photo-ops across the fifty states?

Draining People’s Patience

America has sweltered through a brutal summer so far. Naturally, people have been flocking to beaches, lakes, and water parks to cool down.

Unfortunately for military families in Texas, their special day was ruined by a few a-holes.

Castaway Cove – a water park owned by the city of Wichita Falls – was set to honor those serving at Fort Sill, located near Lawton, Oklahoma, on July 1. That was until park staff arrived that morning and discovered about half the water was missing out of the lazy river.

“We put it on Facebook as soon as we got in, but they were already on the way,” said Debi Fleetwood, marketing director for the water park. “There were so many people coming down from Fort Sill, especially since it was difficult to get the word out quickly,” she said. “They got here, and we were closed. It’s disappointing.”

Fleetwood said Castaway Cove will be honoring the Fort Sill appreciation tickets through July 7.

Steve Vaughn, park manager, said it appeared someone had broken into Castaway Cove through a fence and turned on several valves, causing the water to begin draining from the lazy river, which connects to several slides and the wave pool.

“For us to refill it, it took 27 hours,” Vaughn said Monday afternoon.

Forget the trial, string these animals up and hang them from the Castaway Cove sign.

True Detective Stories

Since my division is one of the busiest in the city, we are constantly being flooded with rookies and dullards. Academy graduates are sent to our four districts to learn the job and annoy detectives. Take Steve Harvey, for example. (Yes, this cop looks exactly like Steve Harvey.) Steve is a special kind of stupid, as evidenced by his most recent police report.

Steve brought in a domestic vandalism report yesterday, and before reading it, he hold me, “The offender vandalized the complainant’s car, causing three hundred dollars in damage.” He then scampered away, distracted by a shiny nickel on the ground.

I scanned the report, because I don’t trust this stupid motherf**ker, and it read nothing like this jackass claimed. According to the report, the complainant stated her foster son “vandalized” her car… with a pencil. Apparently the offender took his pencil and drew on the side of the vehicle… to the tune of $300.

Oh, did I mention the career criminal in question was five years old?

I’m truly not certain who is the bigger simpleton; the woman who filed a police report on her five-year old child, or the incompetent police officer who put it on paper.

Painting The Town Red


A lawyer employed by the city of Philadelphia will not be charged after watching and recording a friend spray paint “F**k Trump” on a city storefront. Color me surprised.

The assistant city solicitor captured on camera with a second man, who is seen vandalizing a Chestnut Hill grocery store, will not be charged and will keep his job.

Duncan Lloyd, 32, was identified in surveillance footage that captured Lloyd and a second man walking along Germantown Avenue in Chestnut Hill on Nov. 25. In the footage, Lloyd is seen wearing a blue blazer and holding a glass of wine while appearing to film or take photos of a second man, who spray-paints “F- Trump” on the wall of a newly opened Fresh Market.

Craig Straw, first deputy city solicitor of the Philadelphia Law Department, said he learned Saturday that Lloyd would not be charged. He said Lloyd, who has been on a two-week leave without pay since the incident, will keep his job and complete 40 hours of community service.

So a city attorney sits back and watches an accomplice commit a crime, does nothing to stop or report the incident, and is rewarded with continued employment and no criminal charges? Welcome to Philadelphia.

Oh, and for the record, the writer at Philly.com tries to throw the police department under the bus, by blaming us for the lack of charges. If this chick thinks detectives would have free reign to submit an arrest warrant on a city solicitor (and a close personal friend of Mayor Kenney), she probably also believes the moon landing was faked. This case was closed before it ever began. Believe it.