The Hatchiest Place On Earth

Walt Disney World’s Tom Sawyer’s Island was evacuated after a man wearing camouflage was seen carrying a hatchet at the attraction. Apparently Disney is slashing prices!

Tom Sawyer Island at Magic Kingdom in Walt Disney World has been reportedly evacuated as a huge security presence was seen and the Orange County Sheriff’s Office logged a suspicious person in the Magic Kingdom area.

Some reports claim that a man was allegedly “dressed in camouflage” and holding a “hatchet,” and this led to the evacuation of Tom Sawyer Island. One Guest alleges that the person was a teenage male who had removed a hatchet prop from the island and was later arrested. However, at this time, there has not been official confirmation or further details regarding this incident. At this time, there are no reports of anyone being harmed.

That’s a shame, because I was really hoping someone there would murder all upcoming Marvel films. That franchise needs to be euthanized.

She Really Needed That Cucumber

A morbidly obese woman was riding on Epcot’s Living with the Land boat ride, when she decided she needed to jump out of the boat and steal a cucumber. The woman doesn’t look like she’s ever seen a vegetable, let alone eat one, so maybe she wanted the cucumber to compensate for her limp boyfriend.

A video sent in by Instagram user @alex64gaming shows a guest jumping from the boat on Living with the Land to the greenhouse area.

She appears to try to take a cucumber growing on a vine and then fall as she attempts to return to the boat. Another guest then leaves the boat and tries to assist her.

User @bizmark23 on Twitter replied to our story with another video. The user says, “I had the luxury of sitting behind these morons. They actually jumped off the boat 4 different times during the ride.”

You can see the video at the link. I actually wish she did get the cucumber, and died from the pesticides.

Mickey’s Got A Gun…

Imagine you scrounge and save enough money for a fabulous trip to Walt Disney World. You drive to Flori-Duh, approach the Magic Kingdom entrance, and just when you’re about to enter the park, fate – and idiocy – intervene.

A Georgia woman was arrested at Walt Disney World after security for the Florida resort found two guns and some marijuana in her child’s diaper bag.

It wasn’t just a handgun; it was a .45. This chick was apparently hunting big game.

Smith was arrested July 18 on misdemeanor counts of carrying a concealed weapon and marijuana possession.

Officials say Smith was going through Epcot security with an adult man, their 7-month-old daughter and her 7-year-old son when the guard spotted a 9mm handgun and a plastic bag containing marijuana.

So you denied your children a trip of a lifetime, forced them to watch the guard remove a .45-caliber handgun and marijuana from the diaper bag, and embarrassed them by being arrested in front of hundreds of people. Wow, great work, “mom.” You truly are a credit to the community.

The Zappiest Place On Earth

A British couple took their adopted autistic sons to Disney World for a nice, family vacation. Sadly, they saw many members of Mickey Mouse’s family in their hotel room. Wow, talk about access!

A married couple from England claims that when they checked into their Caribbean Beach Resort hotel room at Disney World in Florida, they discovered exposed wiring, dead cockroaches and a used condom on the bed. When they switched rooms, things weren’t much better.

Oh, the condom was mine. I just cannot resist those crazy stupid hot housekeepers. Sorry, my bad.

When they talked to the front desk, they were moved to another room, the Mirror reports. Unfortunately, they say that the second room was just as dirty, along with having live centipedes crawling around the room.

While my Disney fandom has waned over the years – ruining Star Wars, going full woke, etc. – I can honestly say I have never stayed in a dirty room there. Now, the condom and the cockroaches are obviously awful, but centipedes show up everywhere. If there were dozens of them, yeah, freak out; but if it’s one or two, hell, that’s a regular weekday in most homes.

Either way, this is another black mark on the Disney brand; a corporation who has been battling with some bad press already.

Her Nickname Is Donald Drunk

Meet Ellen McMillon.

Ellen is a self-proclaimed Disney Super Fan – a pathetic moniker if I ever heard one – but her recent actions guaranteed she will never be allowed into the theme park again.

A drunk and aggressive Disney super fan was banned for life from all of the company’s Florida theme parks. Ellen McMillion, 53, was booted from Disney’s Hollywood Studios last Thursday after she hit a taxi driver in the parking lot.

Deputies said McMillion started slapping the driver when she asked him for a cigarette and he told her he didn’t have one. When authorities confronted McMillion, she was slurring her words, reeked of alcohol and had trouble maintaining her balance.

She told deputies she was intoxicated and wouldn’t cooperate with the investigation until she received a cigarette. She also hurled profanities at nearby children and threw her purse on the ground when asked for identification.

While under arrest, McMillon allegedly kicked a deputy twice in the leg as she was placed in the back of a squad car.

She seems nice. Instead of arresting her, the officers should have forced Ellen to ride the Mad Tea Party ride until she threw up multiple times. See, this is why I am never considered for Chief of Police.

The House Of Louse

Walt Disney World is updating its security procedures, and guests will now be looking forward to their daily flash-bang, forced entry, meet and greet.

Guests staying at one of the three monorail hotels – the Grand Floridian, Polynesian and Contemporary resorts – near the Magic Kingdom have already experienced the tighter security policies, which include the removal of the “Do Not Disturb” door sign. The markers have been swapped out for “Room Occupied” signs that will alert maintenance and staff that guests are currently in their rooms, but will not stop Disney staff from coming in.

I look forward to the implementation of this plan, and I expect to be fully nude when the employees enter my hotel room. Their tips will depend upon their “performance.”

The sign accompanies another new policy that requires Disney employees to enter each hotel room at least once a day to ensure “the safety and security of guests and property,” Walt Disney World News Today reports.

Yes, because their mouse ears and metal detector wands will surely stop a psychopath with an AR-15.

So Mono Means One, And Rail Means Rail

One of the most underrated experiences of Walt Disney World is the monorail. Every time you step into one it is an adventure of sight, sound, and smells.

Last week, instead of being exposed to a nasty smelling Frenchman, Disney visitors were exposed to sparks and smoke.

The monorail at Walt Disney World was evacuated last Friday after it was forced to stop near Epcot Center.

Park visitor Jim Parker says he was standing underneath the train when a metal chunk fell from it and landed approximately 10 feet from him. It is still not clear what part of the monorail fell. Shields’ monorail car became so hot that passengers removed the emergency windows.

The Reedy Creek Fire Department was called to the scene.

Disney executives, ever the gracious hosts, rewarded the stranded passengers with the “It’s A Small World” soundtrack and free monorail rides for the entirety of their stay.

The Most Tragical Place On Earth

Walt Disney World is implementing metal detectors and bag security checks at the Orlando theme park. The media believes this news is a prelude to human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, and mass hysteria!

Visitors to Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom will go through metal detectors and get bags checked at the Transportation and Ticket Center starting Monday.

The center, known as the TTC, is a major hub for Magic Kingdom visitors. People driving to the Magic Kingdom park at TTC, then board monorails or ferries to cross Seven Seas Lagoon and reach the attraction. Currently, visitors can board the monorails and ferryboats without going through bag checks or metal detectors.

Guests arriving at Magic Kingdom via the monorail or ferry won’t have to go through security once they get to the theme park itself. However, the Magic Kingdom will still have some bag checks and metal detectors for visitors arriving by other transportation, such as buses.

This is such a non-story that it makes my eyes bleed. Disney World has been checking bags for a while now, and metal detectors should have been in place for years. It’s a miracle a shooting incident hasn’t happened there already.

In fact, the last time the missus and I were in Disney sans kids, a lunatic took his son and a waiter hostage at the Boardwalk Inn. The hotel was a stone’s throw from where were staying.

Personally, I see this as a responsible move, instead of a sign of the apocalypse.