True Detective Stories

I’m just going to come out and say it; I despise Diego the Idiot Detective. He is not just an annoyance anymore. Diego is a virus, and he infects everyone he comes across. The man is a swollen, infected pustule filled with herpes and carbohydrates.

Our first day back to work was Thursday, and we were short on manpower. One detective was sick, and two were downtown for court cases. That left us with three detectives and Diego, who I refuse to acknowledge as a real detective. The overnight shift was busy, so they needed a drone to get a few search warrants.

Enter Diego.

Normally, it would take a real detective an hour and a half to two hours tops to drive downtown, get the warrants signed and returned. For Diego, it took four hours. FOUR HOURS!

While Diego was exploring the city’s vast food eateries, the other three detectives handled two arrests each and a few investigations. Eventually, the supervisor looked at me and asked, “Where is Diego?” I replied, “He’s still downtown with the warrants. It’s been four hours.” I told the supervisor I had to keep skipping Diego because when a job would come in, he was nowhere to be found.

I sent Diego a few texts reminding him we were getting crushed and he needed to return a.s.a.p. Those texts went unanswered. He finally returned at 12:30 – after leaving the office at 8am – and immediately ate his lunch. Remind you, we were still inundated with active jobs.

The supervisor called Diego to the front and told him he had a residential burglary. Amazingly, this douche canoe turns to the supervisor and says, “Well, I have to serve this warrant at the Youth Study Center.”

THE YOUTH STUDY CENTER IS TWO BLOCKS FROM WHERE HE WAS DOWNTOWN!

Already stressed and dealing with my shoulder pain, I let loose. “Then why the f**k didn’t you serve the warrant while you were there?!!!” Diego replied, “Oh, I didn’t think of it.” Angered, I replied, “Yeah, that’s not your strong suit. Before you leave, this is the information on the residential burglary. They are holding the scene, so you’ll have to drive by there, since everyone else has been working all day.”

Diego smirked and walked out the door, and he still had not returned by the time my shift was over.

I hate him. I truly, truly hate him. 1,344 days…